On Hold

The other day I heard someone make a comment about how missionaries are willing to put their lives “on hold” in order to answer God’s call to serve.  I don’t know if they really intended to say that, but something about it really bothered me. 

I think maybe it struck a nerve because I am often tempted to ignore the Present in my looking to the Future.  As I’ve shared, I gave Students International a three-year commitment.  Some people have asked me what my plans are after I leave.  I have to confess, at times, especially when I’m tired and frustrated, I find myself day-dreaming about what may be next. 

While I don’t think it’s wrong to look forward, I have to ask, what am I missing in the Now by being focus on Then?

When the Israelites were taken away to Babylon, God sent word through Jeremiah that they were not to put their lives on hold waiting for Him to release them.  Instead, they were to plant gardens, build homes, get married, have children (Jeremiah 29).  Although they were captives and strangers in a strange land, they were to live their lives. 

The apostle Paul wrote that our citizenship is in Heaven, and we are to eagerly await our returning Savior (Philippians 3:20).  No one can deny Paul was Heaven-focused, desiring to be there with Jesus. But, no one can say his life was on hold, either!  Even in prison, he spent his final days sharing the Gospel with his captors.

Interestingly, that same day’s reading from My Utmost for His Highest, addressed this.  “What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself… God’s training is for now, not later.  His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future.”

Each one of us is called to live our lives right now.  God is at work in us… right now.  As Chambers says, He has a purpose for our lives this very minute.  We can either live out this truth, or try and trick ourselves into thinking some future moment is when our lives will really begin.  I think that’s dangerous. 

I remember graduating from high school and thinking, Ah, now that I’m going to college, life is really going to start.  Then it was graduating from college and starting full-time work.  Then marriage.  At each step, life did change, but I didn’t feel that deep contentment I was expecting.  That sense of arriving didn’t come.  Why not?  I think my mindset was all wrong. 

The truth is, we don’t know from moment to moment if we’ll have another breath to take.  Jesus died to give us life, abundant life.  Yes, it will be made perfect in Heaven, but until then, we are to live.  We can live fully Now because we know that we have the hope of Then. 

The world needs to see us living that abundant life.  Abundant, not because we have all kinds of stuff, but because we pour ourselves out completely, knowing that this broken earth is not the end of the story. 

We can live without holding back, without being “on hold” because we have a future hope.  That is the Good News each of us is called to share.  Not at some point later when we feel fully equipped to do so, but right now. 

And so, today, as I head out for our final week of summer outreaches, part of my mind is already on vacation and the work that follows.  Again, that’s not all bad, but I don’t want to just get through the next days.  I want to live in them fully. 

Only in the power of the One who has all of our days in the palm of His hand is this possible.  I'm so thankful that He invites me to that abundant, full-out life.  May I live each day, each moment, as precious.  Precious because each one is an opportunity to spend with Him, sharing His love, seeing Him at work. 

Thank you, Father, that You are not "on hold" but continue to draw us to You.  May we pour out our lives in that hope and confidence.

Basically Good (or, My Inner Calvin is Showing)

“I think most people want to do good.”  “I don’t think people choose to sin.”  We were having a discussion during lunch yesterday.  A lot of times I listen to the students’ conversation without really commenting.  It’s their time to relax and it’s good for me to hear how they think without weighing in. 

But, I had to say something yesterday.  Maybe it’s just my reformed background – after all, the first tenet of John Calvin’s TULIP is Total Depravity – but their comments alarmed me.

Perhaps their comments seem pretty tame.  Why would I be ‘alarmed’?  I mean, we were all sitting there, trying our best to serve Jesus in El Callejon.  Doesn’t that prove that people want to do good, that they don’t want to sin?

It alarms me that so many believers have this notion that we’re basically good people.  Over and over again in the Bible we are told the exact opposite.  From birth we are sinful, depraved, unable to do a single good thing on our own. 

We are dead in our sin.  Not stumbling along, not rising up to conquer it, not doing the best we can… We are dead.  Have you ever been walking and come upon a dead squirrel or mouse on the side of the road?  A tiny whiff of the decay clenches your stomach, forcing you to swallow several times. 

That is our condition.  Sure, we perfume it up, but in the end, that only makes the smell more revolting.

Why does this all matter?  I think it is dangerous to have a worldview which assumes that deep down people are Okay.  If that is true, why would a loving God send His only Son to die?  If we’re basically good, surely there was a less drastic way to nudge us along to self-actualization! 

The shock of events like the shooting in a Colorado movie theatre, the torture taking place right now where there is no one to record it on an Iphone, the daily hurts and pain we inflict on each other and ourselves, all of this points to the truth we are loathe to admit: we are not okay. 

Each one of us carries the mark of the fall of man.  Each one of us has the potential to become a monster, acting out our depravity. 

All of that sounds super grim and negative, I know.  It’s harsh, and I think we’ve got to be prayerful, thoughtful, about how we present this truth to unbelievers.  But, for those of us whom claim Jesus to be our Savior and Lord, well, we’ve got to understand who we are apart from Him. 

In Christ, in Christ alone, we become new creations.  This is the hope, the urgency of the Great Commission.  Jesus isn’t a nice addition to lives that are basically okay.  Again, if people are able to make good choices without His redemption, what was the point of the cross?  The blackness of our hearts, the stench of our lives, this is our reality apart from Jesus. 

The Good News, the Very Good News, is that in Him and through Him, we are able to do good things because He transforms us.  In Him and through Him we have the strength to choose not to sin.  Not because our flesh doesn’t crave it, but because He is at work in us. 

Only when we understand the depths of our brokenness, our sinfulness, our helplessness, can we begin to grasp how deep and wide and long and high is the love of God in Christ Jesus.  When we realize what we’ve been saved from – ourselves in our stinking death – we will be compelled to respond by going out and serving in His name. 

The grim truth is people aren’t basically good, but, oh friends, our God is.  He is all-powerful, all-loving, all-good.  What a hope, what an assurance!    

Beetles & Bumpy Roads

I woke up this morning, threw back my covers, and discovered a brownish-red beetle crawling under the sheets.  I know, I know, I just described a cockroach, not a beetle, but allow me my delusions, por favor! 

I guess it’s only fair, as I’ve talked about my Mom’s cockroach story multiple times!  Perhaps there’s something poetic about experiencing the same thing she did… Nah, it’s just plain icky!!

It’s funny, though, because it’s not nearly the Big Deal I thought it would be.  No, I’m not thrilled about it, and would prefer there be no repeat performance, but I’m okay, and will even be able to eat breakfast.  (Here’s hoping my Grape Nuts are bug-free!!)

Last night I was driving home on bumpy, curvy dirt roads without street lights.  It had stormed earlier, so there was still the occasional flash of lightning, as well as fog as the cool rain combined with the hot air. 

As I scanned the road for motos, flinching as my tires hit truly impressive potholes, it suddenly hit me: Hey, I’m driving home at night on curvy dirt roads without street lights...in the Dominican Republic!!

Today makes 10 months since I arrived here in the DR.  The first time I drove here at night, I was petrified.  I hadn’t driven all summer, and driving in a place where trucks pass going uphill around curves, and motos don’t always use lights, well, it was scary! 

And, not only did driving scare me, but bugs scared me, geckos and lizards scared me.  Communicating in Spanish, connecting in El Callejon, grocery shopping, making friends…  Come to think of it, pretty much everything in my life felt out of control and plain old scary!

In 10 months, I’ve learned a lot about myself and my fears.  I’ve learned that the most awful things I could imagine really weren’t all that bad.  I’ve also learned that the things I thought would be easy haven’t always been. 

I can handle lizards and cockroaches in my bed, but still get annoyed when one of the women rolls her eyes at my poor Spanish.  I can drive on dark, bumpy roads, but become frustrated by disruptions to my well-planned schedule.  I’ve learned to accept that I’m not always going to find yogurt or broccoli, but can be grace-less when others disappoint me.

I’m thankful that God is so patient with me.  I’m thankful for the people He has brought into my life who are seeking Him, and help encourage me to do so as well.  I’m thankful that despite my imperfections, my fears, my failings, God is faithful.   

I praise God that He has been with me, that He has provided meaningful relationships, meaningful work, a meaningful life.  It is truly far more than I could have asked or ever imagined. 

What will the next 10 months hold?  Dios sabe (God knows).  I continue to pray in the confidence that He will meet me, He will lead me, He will continue His transforming work in my life.  Now… breakfast!

P.S.  My health continues to improve, gracias a Dios.  I’ve got a couple more days of antibiotics, but finally feel back to good!

Taking

Okay, so one more ‘Sickly’ post!  By now I should realize that all my plans are subject to change!! 

On Friday morning it was obvious that I wasn’t managing to keep ahead of the loss of fluids (yeah, don’t ponder that too long – ick!).  So, I was taken to the Los Rios Clinic, which is where our SI doctor, Fernando works. 

After a couple of adventures, included losing consciousness once (and no, not from having a needle, thank you very much!!) I settled into a room with an IV.   Yep, I can add spending a night in the clinic to my list of new experiences! 

Medical care here is different from the US.  The biggest difference I noticed was the lack of information.  When I passed out, a nurse came and took my blood pressure.  Instead of telling Fernando what it was, she just nodded and said it was good.  He said that’s what typically happens. 

Later when I tried to ask what my pressure was I got some odd looks.  A nurse came in and handed me a pill to take.  What is it? I asked.  She seemed surprised by my question. 

In America, we are taught to be advocates of our own health care.  We have patient rights, including knowing everything that’s being done to us, and why.  Here, the assumption is that the medical staff are the professionals, and so you let them do what needs to be done.  I have to admit, I didn’t like feeling so uniformed!

If I didn’t have my wonderful fellow workers here, which includes medical professionals like Fernando and Carol, I might have been a little more concerned.  After all, my Spanish has progressed a long way, but I still couldn’t understand all the medical terms, even if they’d been given to me!  But, God is so good, and I am blessed to be here with my SI family.

The room I stayed in was small and simple.  By American standards, it was not very modern.  Carol had to literally crank up my bed for me.  The nurse told me to call her if I needed anything.  There was no ‘call button’ so calling was literal! 

When I needed her, I had to grab my IV and walk out to find her.  But, it had a tiny TV… and air-conditioning, neither of which I have in my apartment.

I had lots of visitors, including sweet Doña Gloria, SI friends, outreach students, and Dominican friends.  In the midst of an un-fun situation, I felt loved and cared for.  It was humbling to be helpless, to just lie there and be served.  But, it was also good.  It was good because it was another opportunity to realize just how being part of a community means give and take. 

When my friend Josie and her family came to visit with their little kids, I immediately started offering things to them (I had juice boxes!).  No, she said, Now isn’t time for you to give, it’s time for you to take.    Part of ministry is allowing others to give... which means being gracious about taking.  Not an easy lesson for me, but so, so important! 

Oh, one other big difference between care here and back there.  Cost.  I had blood work, two IVs, two IV Cipro treatments, other antibiotics, a night in a private room… all for 7,250 pesos, which is $185.90.  The two week prescription of doxycyline was 20 pesos (51 cents).  And, I didn’t actual need a prescription to get the meds!

So, now I’m home again, praying that the meds will kick out these pesky bacteria.  We have another outreach starting tomorrow.  I’m thankful for this experience, for the things God continues to teach me through the stuff Satan means for evil.  Things like the importance of being humble enough to take.

Please continue to pray for the SI staff, as more seem to be coming down sick.  Even in this, may we show God’s glory.  Thanks again!!

Bacteria

Well, shoot.  Instead of getting better, I got worse.  As in stomach worse.  Two Words - Sample Cup.  The results came back this afternoon.  Bacteria.  So, I'm on Cipro, praying that I'll start feeling better (and be able to eat again!) soon.

I feel blessed that in all my time out of the country, this is the first I've had to deal with this.  I have to admit, it's no fun.  Especially since my stuffy head and scratchy throat are worse because of the burning been done in our neighborhood the past two days.  I have bits of black ash all over my white tile floor, even after shutting my windows (which don't really seal).

I'm missing out on the end of this Outreach, which really bums me out.  Last night I missed our Bible Study.  This evening I was planning to go support a friend translating for a pastor around 45 minutes away. 

It's so frustrating not being able to do things that are important!  (Most tragic of all... tomorrow is Baked Oatmeal Friday and I won't be able to have any!!)

I was feeling just Blah and sorry for myself a little while ago.  I'm so sick of being sick!  Then it hit me: Satan is continuing his attacks on the work SI is doing to share the love of Jesus here in the DR.  Allowing myself to get discouraged is allowing him to strike blows against the Kingdom.  For now, I can't go to El Callejon, but I can still stand firm - even as I'm horizontal on my couch!

Others on staff are battling bacteria, and worse, amoebas. One gal is in the hospital with an IV as she's losing so much fluid. It's been a tiring summer, and we've still got two Outreaches to go. 

As I mentioned, Satan has been attacking in lots of ways the past months.  Please pray for all of us here as we put on the armor of God, and then stand firm, allowing His Spirit to work through us. 

Thanks again for all the prayers, messages and well-wishes.  I'm really hoping this is my last entry for a very long time about being sick!

Sick Day

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers!  After battling through yesterday, I woke up still feverish today, and so took a Sick Day.  I hated not going to the Site with Daisy and our students, but it was good to rest. 

Back in the US there were plenty of people who worried about me, but I was pretty good about keeping myself to myself. Here, that's not as easy. Living above Doña Gloria means that if I don't leave in the morning, she and Maria (her helper) come up to check on me. 

Sweet Maria made me some delicious homemade tea, and brought me up a plate of food for lunch so I wouldn't have to cook.  Just un chin, she said.  By Dominican standards it was a little bit, as the food wasn't heaped up, but it was still a plate filled with rice, beans, chicken and salad.  Thankfully my 'flu isn't the 'stomach' kind as her food is always yummy! 

Doña Gloria came up to visit and see how I was doing.  Friends called to check on me (Gracias!) and emailed and Facebooked me (is that a verb yet?).  At one point I was woken up from dozing on the couch to notice Juan Pablo (Maria's 10 year old son) and a friend looking in at me and talking about the Americana!  That would have annoyed a while back, but now I know it's just how it goes.

Living by myself for so many years, I got used to doing things in my way, in my time, in my rhythm.  Since leaving the States, first living in Guatemala with lots of housemates, and now here, alone, but not completely, I'm slowly learning how to live within other peoples rhythms, too. 

It's not always easy, and especially when I've had a long day, I find myself slipping into my 'me' way of functioning.  But, I'm learning the value and joy of being connected to others.  In fact, when Doña Gloria calls up the stairs to see how I'm doing, it doesn't feel so much like an intrusion, but instead feels a lot like love. 

I'm not quite ready to take on the non-stop people most of those here live with and among, but it's not nearly as scary a thought as it once was. 

So, I praise God that even on a day when I felt quite miserable and just wanted to be alone, there were others to check on me, love me, care for me.  And, I praise Him that He's showing me just what a gift that is!

I still don't feel 100%, but I'm hoping my rest today will be enough to allow me to go and finish the week.  Tomorrow morning we've got our Young Women's group with their energetic little ones, so I don't want to miss the fun!

Thanks again for praying!

P.S.  Today is my friend Geraldine's son Connor's birthday.  Connor is celebrating it in Heaven, healed and whole, while his family is celebrating and remembering in Calgary.  I love and am praying for you all!!

Prayer Needed

Hi, everyone!  Sorry I've been kind of out of touch.  Things with the current group of students is going well, and we're enjoying getting to know these young women, all of whom have been on mission trips in the past.  I just love the 'habit' of serving they display! 

After a good weekend, I woke up feeling not-so-great today, and discovered to my frustration that I've caught a cold/'flu.  As I've shared before, I become pretty childish and mad when I get sick, because I try really hard to exercise, eat well, take vitamins, etc. 

But, here I sit, shivering away, battling a fever, stuffy nose and body aches.  I actually had my sweatshirt on at one point today in El Callejon... in 90+ temps! 

So, I am asking for your prayers.  We have a full week of activities in El Callejon with this outreach, and then another two-week team next week.  I just don't have time to be sick right now! (I know, I know, when does Anyone have time to be sick!!) 

Thanks so much!

Not What I Bargained For

Sunday night at around 2:00am, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling on my arm. I reached over to brush it away, thinking it was a mosquito.  My hand hit something far larger than that.  I had fallen asleep with my nightstand light on, so was able get a look at what it was. 

Nope.  Not a mosquito. A little brown lizard.  Yep, that’s right, a lizard, in my bed, crawling up my arm.

It made me think of my mom’s story about bargaining with God when He called her to Harlem, New York.  Okay, I’ll go, she finally said.  But, only until there’s a cockroach in my bed!  Of course, she wound up with… a cockroach in her bed.  And, she didn’t leave, she stayed until God called her and my dad to marriage and ministry in western Canada. 

When I answered God’s call to come to the DR, I never made a bargain about lizards (or geckos) in my bed.  I like to think I didn’t make any bargains, but simply obeyed.  The fact is, I did bargain.  Oh, perhaps not in so many words, but that’s really what it was. 

I told folks (very proudly, I’m ashamed to admit) that I made an initial three year commitment to SI, but would stay past that, as long as I keep in good health, people continue to support me, and my ministry continues to bear fruit.  It sounds pretty reasonable, and even a bit pious, doesn’t it? 

The truth is, I was still trying to control the circumstances in which I’d be faithful.  God, You keep me healthy, funded and fruitful, and I’ll obey.  Of course, that lets me define exactly what each of those are, and decide when they aren’t happening.

The longer I am here, the more I realize just how selfish and self-centered my vision of service has been.  What happens if I become seriously sick, far from US medical care?  Or, if my supporters can no longer donate as they are now, and I need to live with even less?  Or, worst of all, what happens if years of serving in El Callejon do not result lives being transformed?   

Jesus didn’t promise His followers that if they were faithful they’d stay in good health, with plenty of resources.  He did say they would bear fruit, but I need to be careful about how I define that! 

Many faithful missionaries spent their lives planting seeds which only later would result in a harvest.  What might have happened had they quit too soon?  How many sacrificed everything for the sake of the Gospel?  Gave up everything, to work tirelessly in soil so dry it seems it will never grow the tiniest sprout of faith? 

If I am truly here because God called me, I have to believe I am to stay until He calls me away.  And not just away from here, but away to something else.  It may happen through illness or funding or fruitlessness, but maybe not.  It may be that He calls me to stay despite those things, and long after my desire to be here has fled. 

Because, faithfulness isn’t about the easy parts, when everything is going our way. Faithfulness is about persevering when all logic says Give Up.  Jesus was not just faithful when everyone was praising Him, amazed at His wisdom, seeking His healing touch.  He was faithful when everything appeared to be over.  Abandoned, bloodied, hanging on a cross. 

In the tough times, I want to be faithful.  Faithful when the students are frustrating, when the women aren’t getting it, when my own fears and self-doubt threaten to overwhelm.  Faithful if I become seriously ill, or if I have to adjust my budget.  Faithful when I’m crawled on by lizards… and even worse, if one day it’s a cockroach. 

In my own strength, I cannot do this.  Only the One who called me here can keep me here.  Only in His power can I remain faithful.  Father, I am weak, I am empty, I am faithless.  Strengthen me, Fill me again, Renew my commitment to You.  Keep me seeking Your kingdom in the midst of the storms, in the midst of the frustrations, and yes, in the midst of the lizards!

O Canada!

One day last week, some of our students were out back playing “Pato, Pato, Ganso” (Duck, Duck, Goose) with the kids in El Callejon.  It reminded me of playing it during Vacation Bible School in a little park near Bathurst and Bloor in Toronto. 

Since today is Canada Day, I’ve been thinking back on growing up there.  As I’ve shared before, my dad was a ‘home missionary’ working in the inner city of Toronto, and then planting a church in Calgary.

In Toronto, we lived in a neighborhood surrounded by immigrant families.  Most of the adults, and many of the children, had been born in other countries, like Greece and Italy.  Far from their lands, they attempted to bring a bit of the old country to this new place. 

Most of the small yards did not have grass and a swing set like ours did, but instead grew tomatoes and other vegetables, with a tiny patio covered by grape vines.  Many had a chicken coop, and a room in their basement for curing olives and making wine.

Like immigrants everywhere, the kids seemed to adapt first, learning English in school, dressing less like their parents, more like we did.  It was the 1970’s, which meant instead of simple, dark pants or skirts, and plain white tops, they joined us in brown and blue striped pants with orange and red flowered peasant blouses.  What must their parents have thought!

My dad had a storefront ministry called The Lighthouse.  Here, kids from the neighborhood would come to play games, do crafts, sing songs (with my dad rocking the autoharp to This is the Day!) and learn about Jesus. 

The Christian Reformed Church had a program called ‘SWIM’ teams (Summer Workshop in Ministry) where college kids signed up and were sent to work cross-culturally for the summer. 

We had SWIM teams most summers.  Being a little kid, I didn’t think to talk with them about their experience coming into a new setting, working with kids so different from themselves.  Doing what I do now, I wonder how their lives may have been impacted. 

Did they feel as helpless not being able to communicate as we do sometimes?  Did the differences in culture impact the way they were able to share the Gospel? 

You know, I don’t even know where they lived or ate!  I know we didn’t have a lovely base like we have here at SI.  There were also no digital cameras – and no Facebook to post up photos.  There were no smart phones, just rotary phones for a quick call to parents. 

I do know my parents had a love for Jesus, a desire to share Him.  They had met in Harlem, New York, and spent their lives together serving God.  I’m humbled that God has chosen to call me to serve Him, too.  And, I'm proud to be a part of an organization that has the same desire to see Christ proclaimed.

Today I am grateful for my growing up years.  For that experience of cross-cultural living in downtown Toronto.  For playing with Stevie next door, whose mom insisted on calling him Stephanaci (spelled wrong, I’m sure!), for playing Duck, Duck, Goose and singing This Is the Day, for seeing people who looked and talked differently, but were seeking a better life.  

I pray that like my parents, my life will be about serving our amazing God.  That when there are frustrations and fears, on the days when it feels hopeless and like nothing is changing (or is changing for the worse!) I will remember that the same God who called my mom and dad is with me. 

Happy Canada Day, everyone!  Happy Sunday!  Happy day, knowing this truly is the day that our Lord has made!  Let’s rejoice and be glad in it!