Confession

Earlier this week I posted about feeling hurt by someone else.  I was wrong to do so.  Instead of putting the focus where I should have, which was God’s glory, I allowed my own sense of self-righteous anger to lash out.  I didn’t scream or break things.  What I did was worse.  I couched my anger and resentment in ‘sanctified’ phrases. 

And so, I am reaping the ‘reward’ one always gets when we do this.  People I love and would never intentionally hurt are hurt.  Rumors are flying.  Turmoil and confusion. 

I am deeply grieved and disappointed in myself.  Instead of simply bringing this to God for Him to handle, I used my blog to prove how put-upon I was.  Despite saying I was giving it to Him, I used my ability to write well as a way to get vindication.  What I have done is self-serving sin, pure and simple. 

You know, every time I allow myself to focus on me, instead of on Jesus, it’s a disaster.  To all of you reading this, I apologize.  I am heartsick.

It seems there is a rising tide of bitterness and frustration throughout the world – or, at least, in my country.  People say mean and hurtful things, hidden behind texts and tweets and social networks. 

I’ve allowed myself to be a part of that.  I want my blog to be honest, showing my struggles.  I want to help others see that God is bigger than our ‘stuff’.  But, when I slip over into it being about me, I’ve become a Pharisee yet again.

The fact that I can write well is a gift from God.  When I use that to advance my agenda, I am sinning.  We are given gifts in order to shine out His light.  I am hiding that light – or worse, distorting it.  I’m thankful that my stupid mistakes do not actually diminish God’s glory.  But, I am called to reflect Him.  Today I feel like a very poor image.

I’m not going to sit here and promise never to do it again because I know I’ll mess up plenty more.  Instead, I ask you to join me in bringing this to God.  To allow Him to do what only He can do, and heal the wounds I have caused.  Thank you, friends! 

Thank you, Father, that You are able to do all things.  I confess my need to be right, to be seen as a suffering servant.  Forgive me for putting myself before Your glory.  Redeem even this mess, for Your purposes.