Earlier this week I posted about feeling hurt by someone else. I was wrong to do so. Instead of putting the focus where I should have, which was God’s glory, I allowed my own sense of self-righteous anger to lash out. I didn’t scream or break things. What I did was worse. I couched my anger and resentment in ‘sanctified’ phrases.
And so, I am reaping the ‘reward’ one always gets when we do this. People I love and would never intentionally hurt are hurt. Rumors are flying. Turmoil and confusion.
I am deeply grieved and disappointed in myself. Instead of simply bringing this to God for Him to handle, I used my blog to prove how put-upon I was. Despite saying I was giving it to Him, I used my ability to write well as a way to get vindication. What I have done is self-serving sin, pure and simple.
You know, every time I allow myself to focus on me, instead of on Jesus, it’s a disaster. To all of you reading this, I apologize. I am heartsick.
It seems there is a rising tide of bitterness and frustration throughout the world – or, at least, in my country. People say mean and hurtful things, hidden behind texts and tweets and social networks.
I’ve allowed myself to be a part of that. I want my blog to be honest, showing my struggles. I want to help others see that God is bigger than our ‘stuff’. But, when I slip over into it being about me, I’ve become a Pharisee yet again.
The fact that I can write well is a gift from God. When I use that to advance my agenda, I am sinning. We are given gifts in order to shine out His light. I am hiding that light – or worse, distorting it. I’m thankful that my stupid mistakes do not actually diminish God’s glory. But, I am called to reflect Him. Today I feel like a very poor image.
I’m not going to sit here and promise never to do it again because I know I’ll mess up plenty more. Instead, I ask you to join me in bringing this to God. To allow Him to do what only He can do, and heal the wounds I have caused. Thank you, friends!
Thank you, Father, that You are able to do all things. I confess my need to be right, to be seen as a suffering servant. Forgive me for putting myself before Your glory. Redeem even this mess, for Your purposes.