Yesterday I received a call from one of the tellers. There was a problem with my check, so could I
come back and bring another one. She was
very nice about it, and told me they’d be open until 5.
I hung up the phone and stood there. That morning I had tried to get onto my bank’s
website to check my balance, something I do nearly every day. For the past two days I had been unable to
get onto their site. Why?
My heart began to race, my chest clenched, and I had to
consciously slow down my breathing. My
brain started spinning, and within 60 seconds, I had
convinced myself that either (a) my bank had failed, or, (b) at the very least my identity had been stolen and someone had drained my account.
Money is a problem for me.
Oh, I don’t want lots and lots of it, but I need to know I have
enough. When I’m not sure if I have
enough, I get panicky. I can trace it
back to things that happened during my first marriage. As I’ve written about before, my husband was
an alcoholic which meant the majority of our money went to his addiction.
Even though it’s been nearly 12 years since he walked out, I
continue to carry scars from that time. Of
the humiliation and helplessness of standing in line at advance paycheck places
week after week. Of scrounging through
my husband’s pockets for change so I could roll coins to buy food. Of phone call after phone call demanding
payment. Of late fees and over-limit
charges on joint credit cards he used at bars, which stayed long after he left.
It took five years, but I paid all of it off – nearly
$30,000. I’ve been debt-free for more
than seven years and actually have some money in savings. But, as yesterday showed me, I am not yet
healed.
As I mentioned, I check my bank balance nearly every
day. I also check my SI account, fretting
if it looks like someone is no longer supporting me. Sometimes the office gets busy, and they don’t
post things right away. In my head, I
know this. But, those feelings start to
creep in.
It turns out the only problem at the money exchange place was
with my writing. For any of you who have
ever seen it, you won’t be surprised! All
I needed to do was re-write the check, taking my time to make sure it was
legible. Five minutes later, out I
walked, the world a happy place once more.
Hours later, I still felt elated… and then shocked when I
realized it was still impacting me.
A wise person (Carlos) suggested that God is inviting me to
face this fear. The person I once loved
and trusted betrayed me, and so I closed off that area, vowing to never again
feel helpless about money. In the years
since, I’ve allowed God to be the Lord of much of my life, but, as yesterday painfully
showed, there are places where I am still the queen.
And so, I’m going to accept our loving Father’s invitation
to allow Him to take over this part of my life.
First thing, I’m going to stop checking my balances so often. Next, I’m going to take time to ‘go back’ to those dark years. I’ve ignored them for a long time, but they are still there, festering. Until I face them, allowing the Holy Spirit to redeem them, I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy true freedom.
I’m writing about this because if it’s ‘out there’ it will
help hold me accountable. I have to
confess, even as I write this, I’m starting to feel panicky.
But, I know that God has been doing powerful
things in my life. He has healed me in
so many ways, and His desire is that I live free in Him. I’m sure I’ll stumble some, but I have to
have faith that the One who is inviting me to abandon my fear is the One who
will see it through to completion.
I pray that whatever ‘unfinished business’ you may have,
you, too, will allow our all-loving, all-powerful God to enter in. In Him alone is redemption, restoration and
freedom.
Thank you for sharing! Really blessed me, and I know it wasn't easy to write.
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