Chaos and Peace

When I find verses or quotes or song lyrics that resonate, I write or print them out and stick them up on mirrors, cupboards, walls.  My upstairs bathroom mirror and walls are packed full.  One of the songs posted is one I heard the morning I submitted my S.I. application.  I had worked on my app. for two weeks.  24 essay questions plus a resume and other info.  17 typed pages.  And now, there it sat. 

I decided to wait and do my grocery shopping before hitting ‘Send’.  As I drove, this song came on.  I’d heard it before, but this time every word was for me.  It’s called “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real.  I won’t write all the words, but part of them say:

“Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender

To whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
I'm giving in to something Heavenly, something Heavenly “

Yes, perhaps I was just grasping for confirmation, but you gotta admit, those words are mighty fitting!  I did hit Send that day, and the adventure began!

This week I used the lyrics as I prayed.  Yes, I’ve passed a milestone, but there is much to do here where I am right now.  I tend always to be looking to the future.  I want to live in the present, even as I am planning for my move.  I want to be surrendering to God’s will for the here and now.

As I’ve shared in earlier posts, I am sensing God inviting me to do some important soul work with Him.  One of the lines of the song says, “There’s a wave that’s crashing over me and all I can do is surrender”.  I don’t like swimming in the ocean. Growing up I tried to dive through waves and instead wound up pulled under and tossed around until I really thought I was drowning.  If I had stopped fighting so hard and just let the water carry me, I probably wouldn’t have been washing sand away for days after! 

So, the image of crashing waves is enough to make my chest feel tight.  Crashing waves, chaos, not being able to see what’s happening.  That's kind of what I'm feeling these days, and it does't always feel good.  As odd as it sounds, surrendering and giving up is really hard work!  But, I know I can only experience God's peace by doing just that; surrendering and giving up control to Him. 

I’m discovering this is not a one-time thing.  My ‘flesh’ keeps reminding me of my hang-ups, brokenness, sin and short-comings.  But, God is at work in me.  I know this.  He is not finished.  In the Spirit’s power I am going to trust that one day I will be able to say “It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace”.  Until that day, each day, I’m praying I continue 'striving' to 'cease striving', and allow God to do whatever He is doing inside of me.