Just wanted to give all of you an update. First of all, the Z-pack seems to be working, and I am heading back in to work. I’m hoping by the weekend I’ll even be able to get back to the gym! Yay! Of course, I haven’t attempted to talk yet, so we’ll see if the bullfrog is gone.
I’m thankful to be on the mend physically, but that’s not the main reason for this update. If you read yesterday’s post, you know I was in a rather bleak place. It was scary to admit I was exhausted, that I wasn’t desiring time with God, that I didn’t like Him sometimes. As scary as that was to admit to anyone reading my blog (what kind of a would-be missionary thinks that way about God?!), it was even scarier to admit to myself. And, having to admit it to God… that was downright terrifying.
I did what I said I was going to do, and spent the better part of the day resting. Too drained to do anything productive, I just was. And, in that act of letting go, of having nothing to offer God but my dried up heart, He met me. Not in any weird or flashy way. I don’t think I could have handled that! Instead, in small, quiet ways, God reassured me of His love and care for me. In a nap, in yummy soup a friend dropped off, in an encouraging support update.
As crazy as it is, I’m thankful to God for allowing me to get sick, to get run down emotionally and physically, because it took getting to that place to realize how spiritually wiped out I’ve been. Remember Elijah? After going up against the prophets of Baal, Elijah winds up sitting under a broom tree, fearful and feeling sorry for himself. Look at all I’m doing for You, God! Hmmm… I think I hear an echo!!
God sends an angel to minister to Elijah’s physical needs and invites him to come away. The God who sent fire to burn up wood, stone and soil, meets Elijah not in wind or earthquake or more fire, but in a quiet voice. That is what I experienced yesterday. It’s almost as if God waited patiently while I ran around and around in circles, wearing myself out. He waited until I collapsed and then whispered, Now. Now you are ready for me to help you.
Psalm 46:10 invites us to be still and know that God is God, not when things are calm, but as they are crashing around us. One translation say to ‘cease striving’. Oh, how I hope one of these days I get wise enough to slow down and cease my striving! To recognize the signs along the way, so I can quiet my heart to hear God’s voice long before I’m under that broom tree! Discipleship truly is a lifelong process, isn’t it?!
As I end, I want to thank you for allowing me to share my life openly and honestly. Just writing this stuff out is a huge help! I pray that reading my journey is an encouragement. I pray if any of you are struggling, you will take comfort in knowing you are not alone. And, if you are wearing yourself out, I invite you to cease striving, to be still, to allow our loving Father to whisper to you, too.