Money Queen

To get the money I need to pay rent, buy food, gas, etc., I write a check from my US bank account and go to a money exchange place.  I do this a couple of times a month, going to the same place downtown. 

Yesterday I received a call from one of the tellers.  There was a problem with my check, so could I come back and bring another one.  She was very nice about it, and told me they’d be open until 5. 

I hung up the phone and stood there.  That morning I had tried to get onto my bank’s website to check my balance, something I do nearly every day.  For the past two days I had been unable to get onto their site.  Why? 

My heart began to race, my chest clenched, and I had to consciously slow down my breathing.  My brain started spinning, and within 60 seconds, I had convinced myself that either (a) my bank had failed, or, (b) at the very least my identity had been stolen and someone had drained my account.  

Money is a problem for me.  Oh, I don’t want lots and lots of it, but I need to know I have enough.  When I’m not sure if I have enough, I get panicky.  I can trace it back to things that happened during my first marriage.  As I’ve written about before, my husband was an alcoholic which meant the majority of our money went to his addiction.

Even though it’s been nearly 12 years since he walked out, I continue to carry scars from that time.  Of the humiliation and helplessness of standing in line at advance paycheck places week after week.  Of scrounging through my husband’s pockets for change so I could roll coins to buy food.  Of phone call after phone call demanding payment.  Of late fees and over-limit charges on joint credit cards he used at bars, which stayed long after he left. 

It took five years, but I paid all of it off – nearly $30,000.  I’ve been debt-free for more than seven years and actually have some money in savings.  But, as yesterday showed me, I am not yet healed. 

As I mentioned, I check my bank balance nearly every day.  I also check my SI account, fretting if it looks like someone is no longer supporting me.  Sometimes the office gets busy, and they don’t post things right away.  In my head, I know this.  But, those feelings start to creep in.

It turns out the only problem at the money exchange place was with my writing.  For any of you who have ever seen it, you won’t be surprised!  All I needed to do was re-write the check, taking my time to make sure it was legible.  Five minutes later, out I walked, the world a happy place once more.

Hours later, I still felt elated… and then shocked when I realized it was still impacting me. 

A wise person (Carlos) suggested that God is inviting me to face this fear.  The person I once loved and trusted betrayed me, and so I closed off that area, vowing to never again feel helpless about money.  In the years since, I’ve allowed God to be the Lord of much of my life, but, as yesterday painfully showed, there are places where I am still the queen.

And so, I’m going to accept our loving Father’s invitation to allow Him to take over this part of my life.  First thing, I’m going to stop checking my balances so often. 

Next, I’m going to take time to ‘go back’ to those dark years.  I’ve ignored them for a long time, but they are still there, festering.  Until I face them, allowing the Holy Spirit to redeem them, I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy true freedom. 

I’m writing about this because if it’s ‘out there’ it will help hold me accountable.  I have to confess, even as I write this, I’m starting to feel panicky. 

But, I know that God has been doing powerful things in my life.  He has healed me in so many ways, and His desire is that I live free in Him.  I’m sure I’ll stumble some, but I have to have faith that the One who is inviting me to abandon my fear is the One who will see it through to completion. 

I pray that whatever ‘unfinished business’ you may have, you, too, will allow our all-loving, all-powerful God to enter in.  In Him alone is redemption, restoration and freedom.

Quick Update and Prayer Requests

Good morning!  I just wanted to let everyone know that I am fine.  Just super busy. 

One of the missionary couples at SI had to travel back to the US for a family emergency.  They work with the teams who travel down for short-term outreaches, and so all of the SI family is taking on extra jobs to help out. 

Carlos and I have been able to use things we love to do to help.  We've led a hike to a waterfall, taught Dominican culture and history, and showed the group around town.  We have another team coming next week, and so we'll do it again.  It's tiring, but God is our strength.

Along with that is my 'regular' work in El Callejon.  We have 4 participants, and it's fun to connect with them, hear their stories and share ours.  Thankfully, translating is a lot easier than it was a year ago!  God's timing is always perfect.

I love how God uses even bad situations for His glory.  Please pray for all of us as we dig a little deeper to carry on His work with students, and in the communities.  And, for our fellow missionaries who expect to be in the US for several weeks.

Also, please pray for the Dominican Republic right now.  The teachers have been striking for more pay, which may be understandable, but is causing the kids to go without school one or two days almost every week.  They only have class half a day anyway, so their education is already not all that great. 

Next week is Semana Santa (Holy Week) which is a scheduled week off of school.  This week they only had classes on Monday.  The kids in El Callejon get very little attention/structure at home, and without the routine of school, their behavior is getting a bit more wild each day. 

Please pray that parents will step up in their responsibilities, and that the Holy Spirit will help give us patience and love as we interact with the children of El Callejon.

Thank you, friends! 

Free Grace

“When are you finally going to understand that I am here and I’m not going anywhere?”  Carlos and I were standing in the Gomero (tire fixing place) waiting for two nails to be taken out of one of my tires.  I was apologizing – again – for calling him to come and help me.  He went on, “Sometimes, I feel as if you are talking to someone else, not to me.” 

I really had nothing to say, because it was the truth.  Even though Carlos has told me countless times that he loves me and wants to serve me, I cannot seem to accept it. 

Even though he has shown me through his actions that these are more than just words, I doubt that anyone could feel that way about me.  There must be some mistake, something I need to do to deserve this.  Any day now, he’s going to wake up and then he’ll leave.

I have heard (and said!) many times that Grace is free, but it is not cheap.  It means that while God extends grace without cost to us (free), it was not cheap, in that the price was Jesus’ life. 

I believe that, and I believe that there is a temptation to make grace cheap, and therefore, seemingly worthless.  A danger in ignoring the cost and turning God into a giant, comfy teddy bear who requires nothing of us. 

But, lately I’ve been concerned about going overboard the other way.  As if it is somehow our duty as Christians to protect the grace and mercy of God, setting guidelines and barriers for how He will manifest these free gifts. 

So, I spend my days burdened by a need to prove that I am worthy of living in His freedom.  Which, in a sad way, actually cheapens His grace.  Because it becomes all about me.  Me being thankful enough, pouring out enough, giving up enough.  If not, God is going to come to his senses and realize His mistake and leave.

Like Carlos’ words to me, I have to wonder if sometimes God is inviting me to hear Him say, When will you finally understand I’m not going anywhere?   

It saddens me to think of Him watching me approach His throne, not in confidence, but head hanging down, groveling as I ask for the help He has told me He will provide.  That instead of seeing God as my Father, I look at Him with fear and anxiety.  If I don’t perform, He’ll be out of here.

As a missionary, I see a lot of brokenness, a lot of people in pain – much of it caused by their own poor choices.  I feel a lot of pressure (self-inflicted!) to get them to accept Jesus.

Because God’s free grace was not cheap, to come to a saving knowledge of Him people need to understand the depth of their sin, the hopelessness of their lives apart from Him.  Yes, this is true.  But, if I never help them move beyond this to embrace His freedom, I have missed the point. 

The problem is, I’m not always living as if I believe it.  Did Jesus’ one sacrifice on the cross cover all my sins, or not?  Can I rest in the assurance that He has promised that I am in Him, and nothing can separate me from His love?  Do I live an abundant life free from constant worry about disappointing Him with my mistakes?

Grace is not cheap, but when I add all kinds of requirements beyond the cross of Christ, I cheapen it.  Through John, the Spirit tells the church in Ephesus that while they have done all kinds of things for the Kingdom, they have forgotten their first love (Revelation 2:1-4).  In my zealousness, I have, too.    

And so, I’ve been shaken up spiritually, but it’s a good thing.  I pray that I will continue to grow in trust.  To grow in faith.  To grow in the freedom of God’s grace and mercy.  And, that I will share this freedom.  In El Callejon, with Carlos, and every dark place where people do not know the free, expensive, extravagant gift of grace.

Work Tremors

I promised, and so here’s an update on Professional part of my life going through a shaking up:

At the end of January, the president of SI, came on a visit to the DR.  When he saw me, he told me I was on his list of people to visit with.  “Oh”, I thought, “he’s checking in with newer missionaries.  How cool.”  Well, he did want to know how I was doing, but Dave’s main purpose was a little different...

"We’ve identified a need in Human Resources for our Latin American ministries.  The ideal candidate would have experience in Human Resources, know Spanish, know Students International, and have experience working at a Ministry Site.  Sound like anyone you know?"

Back in 2010 when I interviewed, the then-Director told me that he thought that at some point SI might want to use my HR experience.  So, I knew this was a possibility for the future.  But, the ‘future’ being right now… Well, this was a little different! 

Part of me, selfishly, didn’t like the idea of moving back into ‘Administration’.  Sure it’s a gift of mine, sure there are a lot of HR needs, and I’m good at HR, but I love being in the community serving ‘hands on’.  I mean, in El Callejon, I get to watch God at work.  Writing policies?  Not quite as uplifting. 

I hate to admit it, but I also thought, Will I have to change my Blog Title?  I mean, I can post pictures of cute kids, and share awesome stories about God working in the lives of women like Luz.  What now?  Pictures of Personnel Files and me reading the Codigo de Trabajo (Labor Law) for the DR?  Hardly inspiring!

(Just so you don’t think I’m completely awful, I also really worried about leaving Daisy.  She is amazing and can do pretty much everything, but I know what a lot of work a Site is!)

But, the more I prayed and pondered, the more I had to put that to the side.  As the SI president said, there is a need for HR.  At times, the differences in language and culture can cause misunderstandings.  Expectations that ‘go without saying’ for an American, may seem strange or confusing to a Dominican (and vice versa!). 

I had to sit back and wrestle with a simple but difficult questions - Why am I here?  To meet my own need to serve, or to serve the One who has called me?  What mattered more?  My need to be out in the community, or using the gifts and experience God has given me to serve Him by serving other missionaries? 

And so, after more prayer and pondering, and talking with trusted friends (including Daisy!), I have accepted the position, which will begin on May 1.  The position will focus on the DR for the next18 months, as this is where we have the largest national staff.  We hope that by starting here, I can get good processes in place which can then help our three other Latin American ministries (Costa Rica, Guatemala and Nicaragua).

Because God is so good, now that it’s a reality, I’m getting super excited by the opportunity to use my past experience in Human Resources.  I pray that by helping create and communicate clear policies and procedures, I can help strengthen our staff’s ability to focus on being a part of God’s transforming work in the lives of community members and students. 

Of course, I know it’s going to be challenging trying to understand Dominican employment law – in Spanish!  And, part of me is going to grieve leaving Daisy and the women, teens and kids of El Callejon.  I know God is also at work indentifying just the right person to partner with Daisy in El Callejon.  I invite you to continue to lift that up in prayer.

Even though my role is changing, I will continue to be a ‘faith missionary’, meaning I will be trusting God to provide financial and prayer support to do this work.  I feel very blessed that I have received positive responses from many of my supporters.

I’m proud to work with an organization that is seeking God, and seeking His guidance in areas where we need to be strengthened.  I ask that you would be in prayer for Daisy and me as we transition over the next months.

Shaken

Friday night (well, early Saturday morning!) I woke up to the feeling of my bed shaking.  It was a pretty strong tremor, and seemed to last a long time (although it was probably less than 10 seconds).  After it stopped, Lisa (Doña Gloria’s dog) started barking.  In the distance I could hear the other dogs in the neighborhood howling their protest at the movement, too.   

Prior to 2011, I can recall feeling one tremor in my entire life.  It was when I was in college, and several of us were up in Toronto for American Thanksgiving.  We were at my friend Elizabeth’s house, sitting around the dining room table.  I remember we thought someone was shaking the table, or that there was a train somewhere.  No, it was, in fact, a very minor earthquake.

In the past two years, I’ve felt lots (10+!) of tremors.  In both Guatemala and here in the DR, I’ve woken up several times to my bed swaying.  I’ve sat at my table and felt everything moving, too.  While each one has been scary, causing things to rattle, thankfully, none have caused anything to fall over or off a shelf.

This physical shaking is a good reflection of what’s been going on in the rest of my life, too.  My life right now is being shaken up, again.  Personally, professionally, spiritually… It seems every area of my life is on the move.  Again. 

I promise, I'll write more about it all later.  Please be assured, it is good stuff - just a lot of good stuff! 

Psalm 46 talks about the earth giving way, mountains being moved into the sea, waters roaring and foaming.  God is shown at work, His voice alone causing the raging nations to cease, the earth to melt away.  God causes desolation, breaking and shattering bows, burning war chariots. 

Then, suddenly, in the middle of all the crashing, David throws in verse 10 – Be still, and know that I am God.  It almost seems out of place in the midst of this violent imagery.  

Why should we be still?  Verse 10 goes on, “I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth!”  What a promise!  What assurance!  God will be exalted.  It’s not that maybe it will happen, perhaps, fingers-crossed, please, please, make it so.  Instead, we can declare it along with our Father.

But, like the tremors I’ve felt, it can still be scary.  While we like to think of God working in loving, quiet, gentle methods, that’s not the only way.  Sin and evil need to be cut out, burned up, eradicated.  In the world, in my life, as well.  That sometimes hurts.  It sometimes is bewildering, not seeming to make any sense. 

That’s where faith comes in.  Faith that says, while I cannot see it all, I will trust the One who can.  That all things are working together for our good. 

I can rest, be still, because God is God, and He is at work.  It’s easy to be tempted to turn that into a wimpy, resigned way of living.  I’m just a little cork, bobbing along, being buffeted by the waves.  I have no control, so why bother trying? 

That’s not it at all.  Instead, being still takes strength and courage.  Standing firm in the middle of the shaking and storms is a choice.  Trusting God when everything (and everyone) around you shouts “Run and hide, there’s no hope!”, is not easy.  But, that is what the world needs to witness.  Christ-followers who hold firm to faith when we cannot see, cannot understand.   

So, today, as we step back out into the storm, I pray we will stand firm, be still, and in this way, proclaim that God is God.  That we will join in exalting Him among the nations.  God is with us.  We truly have nothing to fear.