Reminders

Our SI leadership team has broken the staff into small groups for our Wednesday night Bible study time.  With more than 50 staff (plus spouses), they realized that to really speak into each others’ lives, we needed to ‘go smaller’.  I’m so thankful!  I love my small group, which includes Dominicans, Americans, married couples, singles. 

Several of us have really been struggling this outreach.  The heat has drained us (yesterday it was 98 with a heat index of 102), the maturity level of some of the students has challenged us, Satan has been attacking… For myself, I’ve felt exhausted and frustrated. 

So, last night, our group decided to not study the book we’re working through (a very good book on Fellowship), but instead, to practice fellowship.  We started together, singing praise to God and praying.  Then we split into ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ and spent the evening sharing our hearts. 

It was such a release to be able to talk about things I’ve been holding in.  To hear others talk about their struggles, too.  And, to laugh!  The situations haven’t been funny, but there’s something about sharing icky stuff with others that makes it possible to laugh. 

Of course, it can’t just be about whining together, as tempting as that can be!  I love the fact that together we helped point each other back to Jesus.  Back to the reason we are here. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in the mission, in the work.  We get down on ourselves, down on the students when we see them not taking full advantage of this time.  We want them to be open to God’s work in their lives.  When that doesn’t seem to be happening, we get frustrated, and even downright angry! 

Last night we reminded each other that God is at work in His way.  We don’t know why each of the students is here at just this time.  But, we can trust that God has sent them for His plan and purpose.  Yes, we have a part in their journey, but we are not responsible for the transforming work only God through His Holy Spirit will accomplish.

One of the women reminded us of what we learned at our staff retreat in May: No other person can give us the love that only God can give.  When we are able to forgive another person for not being able to give us the perfect love that only our perfect God can give, we are able to accept the gifts that they can give.

The students, the people in our communities, our friends and families, even other missionaries, are going to disappoint us.  In their brokenness, they can never be all we need.  But, we can learn to rejoice in what they are able to give us, knowing that we, too, as broken, sin-filled people, are not meeting all of their needs, either.  Then, together we can continue to point each other to the only One who can.    

Jesus did not heal every sick person, did not change the life of everyone He came in contact with.  And yet, He could say, Father, I have brought You glory by completing the work You sent me to do. 

We are here to bring God glory.  When He stops being the focus and purpose of our lives, doubts, frustrations, anger, resentment, come crashing in. 

Last night, God used my sisters in Christ to help remind me of His love, of His provision.  Today is a new day.  There are plenty of challenges waiting.  But, God is waiting, too.  Waiting for me to choose again today to love with His love.  To trust in Him to do what only He can.  To accept and forgive weakness… in myself, in others.  To seek my only strength, my only peace, my only love, in Him. 

So, today I choose again to put my agenda, my needs, my life, back on the altar.  To once more take up my cross.  To put my Armor in place.  Okay, Father, bring on the day!  In Your love, in Your strength, it's going to be a good one!!

Ch-Ch-Changes

A friend and I were talking about Change yesterday.  For much of my life Change has equaled Bad.  My mom told me that when our family moved from Nobleford, Alberta, to Toronto, Ontario, I told her I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t want to leave. 

I don’t remember this, as I was only three years old.  But, my dislike of change was already established.

When I was in grade six, my family moved from Toronto to Calgary.  My best friend Elizabeth and I hatched a brilliant plan – I would live with her family until we graduated from high school. 

Sure, they had five kids, and sure, it was six years, but it seemed like the perfect solution.  I was more than a little indignant that my parents laughingly dismissed this as impossible!

Each time my dad received a call for another church in another city, I would become fearful and anxious.  Please, please, please, I don’t want to move, I don’t want things to change!  Even at a young age, I understood that change meant something had to go, had to end. 

As I got older and experienced more changes, I learned that change always means the death of something.  Yeah, that sounds morbid, but if you think about it, I think you’ll agree. 

This week is the anniversary of several significant changes in my life.  Seventeen years ago, my mom died.  Eleven years ago, my husband abandoned me.  One year ago, I left my life in the United States.  Nine months ago, I arrived here in the DR to begin my ministry with SI. 

Yes, the first two were out of my control, the last two (more or less) in it, but each one caused a little part of me to become that three-year old again… I don’t want it! 

Of course, as Christ-followers, we are called to change.  We are to work out our salvation, being transformed more and more into the image of Christ.  That change, too, means the death of something – several somethings, really.  Old habits, old ways of living, of thinking.  It means, in fact, that the first thing that has to die… is me.

Dying each day is hard work.  What would happen if as friends, spouses, parents, brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only accepted change as inevitable, but helped encourage each other to embrace it as part of our God-given call? 

What if instead of complaining that a person we loved has changed, we express concern if nothing is different?  Change, not just for the sake of change, of course, but change that makes us more like Jesus. 

During this week of anniversaries, I want to begin to change my perception of change.  God’s mercies are new every morning, and, if I am living for Him, living into His plan for my life, I will be, too.  Each day is an opportunity to look more like Jesus.  That means changing. 

It’s a process, of course, and some days are slower than others.  Some days I take steps backward.  Okay, some days it’s more like leaps backward!  But, I can be confident that the One who walked with me through events 17, 11, 1, and less than one year ago, is with me still.

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the point where I face a change with “Yippee, bring it on!”  But each time I choose to allow God to change me, I find that His grace truly is sufficient for whatever is next. 

Because, of course, the One orchestrating the changes does not change.  He invites me to submit myself to His transforming, changing work in my life. 

Father, You know that I still struggle with change.  If I’m honest, it makes me afraid.  Who will I be if the me I am is dead? 

Please allow me to trust You more fully.  To trust You, and to obey You.  To obey Your call to die to me, to live for You.  To change more and more into the image of Your Son.  

Show me again that Your grace, Your love and mercy, are sufficient.  That You, Unchanging One, are my All in All.

Gimme Gimme

“Teacher, we want You to do for us whatever we ask” (Mark 10:35).  James and John are talking to Jesus as they walk toward Jerusalem.

Jesus has just predicted His arrest, torture and death… again! (vs 32-34) but it seems pretty obvious that James and John haven’t been paying attention.  Their request?  They want to be present in Jesus’ glory (vs 37) after all the unpleasantness passes. 

How does Jesus respond?  “You do not know what you are asking” (vs 38).  James and John were asking to sit on either side of Jesus in His glory.  But, they have no clue what it’s going to take for Jesus to be glorified. 

“Therefore, God exalted Him to the highest place (Philippians 2:9).  That “therefore” encompasses being emptied, made human, a servant, being obedient all the way to death – to death on a cross (Phil 2:5-8). 

We see ‘un chin chin’ (a tiny little bit) of the picture.  We see the athlete standing on the podium receiving the gold medal.  Yeah, the Wheaties box!  The hours of drudgery, exhaustion, self-sacrifice… not so much.

How often do I pray in like James and John, demanding He do what I want?  I want You to give me a clear picture, anwer my questions, give me the stuff I need. 

Oh, I may not be bold enough to say ‘whatever I ask’, I may throw in an ‘if it is Your will,’ but that’s not really what I mean.  What I mean is, Gimme what I want. 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t pray specifically.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t bring to God the petitions of our hearts, our intercession on behalf of others.  After all, we are to come with boldness before the throne (Hebrews 4:16). 

Boldness, not arrogance.  I get the two of them confused.  Boldness means without hesitation, without fear.  Arrogance means with a sense of superiority, of pride. 

Our boldness does not come from ourselves, but from who we are in Christ.  Beloved children of God who can approach without fear.  Arrogance implies we somehow deserve to be there.  That there is something about us in ourselves meriting favor. 

Gimme what I want.  How often do I whine and complain when God doesn’t seem to hear my prayers. 

Is it because He is unloving?  The truth is, He doesn’t answer because of His great love.  Because I can only see a small part, and dimly at that, I make all kinds of demands, not knowing what I’m asking. 

Like a child pouting about having to go to bed, or not being allowed to eat cake for breakfast, my requests are often immature.  Worse, they are often arrogant, assuming I know best how to conduct my life, and the lives of those around me. 

What if I am praying for God to take away a trial from someone… and it’s in that very desert where they will get to meet Him in new, life-changing ways?  What if my discomfort with their discomfort would take from them the sweetness of restoration in Christ?    

Father, I come to You again today, not knowing how to pray.  Thank you that in spite of my lack, You love me, You know me.  Thank you for not answering my silly demands, but instead, lovingly inviting me to seek You. 

Thank you for Jesus’ obedience, all the way to Calvary and into Hell.  Thank you that in Him, we can come to You with boldness.  Forgive us when we treat our position as Your children with arrogance.  In boldness, I ask You to continue to work out Your will, in my life, in the lives of those I love.  Not in my way, but in Yours, only in Yours, is there glory. 

Holy Spirit, move in me, move through me, purify, purge, cut out those things that are not of You, I pray.  I pray this, knowing I don’t really know what I’m saying.  But You do.  You do.  Help me to rest in that confidence.  Amen.

Abandoned

So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I’ll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered
All I am is Yours.  (The Stand)

We sang this last night, standing in the Chapel on the Base, brothers and sisters in Christ, my fellow workers in this ministry He has called us to.  Some days it still feels so unreal that this is my life, serving and sharing and living here in the DR!

Abandoned can mean forsaken or deserted, but also unrestrained or uncontrolled.  If you think about it, both fit.  Our hearts, the place of our desires, wants, needs, are abandoned, emptied out, so that they can be filled with the desires/wants/needs of our loving Father.  That's not always easy for me! 

Abandoned also means living a life without restraint or control.  It means living with open hands.  This is not easy for me, either. 

I recently read a short book by Tim Keller called The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness.  In it, he talks about living with ‘gospel-humility’.  He says that “…the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.”

This isn’t about ‘high’ or ‘low’ self-esteem.  It doesn’t mean hating ourselves or being ‘self-actualized’.  Instead, it means we can stop fretting about ourselves because we know that our value, our salvation, is secure in Christ. 

This means others’ opinions of us – and our own, too! - don’t really matter.  All that matters is who God says I am, and that is defined by Jesus’ blood on the cross.

I’ve been pondering this a lot the past couple of days.  What would it be like to live like this?  To shut up the constant inner dialogue that analyzes and sifts through each encounter, each experience?  (And yes, I realize the irony of blogging about being ‘self-forgetful’!) 

What would it be like to simply live, open to whatever God brings?  The truth is, being in my own head is just plain old exhausting.  The Holy Spirit is inviting me to freedom and rest.  

I have been blessed to know abandoned, surrendered, self-forgetful people.  Those people who make you feel like you’ve truly been heard.  Who are willing to say hard things because they love you more than they are worried about you being mad at them. 

When I spend time with someone like this, I feel as if I’ve been with Jesus.  His light shines through them, and they radiate joy and tranquility. 

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  (Galatians 2:20) 

This is the life we are called to live, invited to live.  Or, in truth, it’s the life we’re called to not live!  Surrendering it all, so that the One who gave it all, lives in me.  Only in His love and power is this possible. 

And, because we’re still here ‘in the body’, it’s something I need to choose to do each day.  Like picking up my cross, an abandoned, self-forgetful life is a daily choice.  It means living with hands open to whatever God is doing, whatever He will do.  Yeah, it’s kind of scary, but, oh, it’s also where the only freedom, the only joy, is to be found. 

Arms high, hands open, heart abandoned… Father, I am in awe of Your love.  I am in awe of what You are teaching me.  May I live -  No, may I die, each day, so that Christ can live in me.

Una Bola

“Yo quiero una bola.”  “Y yo!”  “Y yo!”

As happens a lot here, even though we’d canceled class, some of our pre-teens came anyway.  I was waiting for someone from SI and couldn’t leave the Site, so I pulled out crayons and coloring books (from our super-organized supply closet – hurray!) and let them hang out and color, a favorite past-time here. 

As they colored, they asked me questions like, What is Dark Blue?  What is Tan? (The activity books were in English and included color-by-number.)  

They also asked whether I had kids, a husband, a boyfriend, and whether the car out front was mine.  That’s when Claribel asked about ‘una bola’.  Una bola is Dominican slang for ‘a ride’.   

I kind of thought she was kidding, as she lives less than two minutes from the Site.  Two minutes walking.  But she – and the other girls – were serious.  And so, even after finishing coloring, they waited patiently until I was ready to leave.

I went outside, unlocked my car, and turned it on to get the AC started.  They all piled in, exclaiming how hot the car was.  After baking all day in the 90 degree Dominican sun, I’m sure it was over 100 in there.  I had to finish locking up, but they stayed seated (and sweltering!) listening to my 80’s radio station. 

I got in, turned the car around and starting driving up the road.  The three girls had my windows rolled down, and yelled and waved at everyone we passed.

Instead of wanting to be let out at Claribel’s house, they had me keep driving to the end of the El Callejon road, where it intersects with a paved main road.  They said Gracias and jumped out. 

As I turned my car, I looked at the three girls in my rearview mirror.  They were walking together back to Claribel’s house, a distance about the same as if they’d just walked from the Site to her place!    

Some days I forget where I work.  I forget how different their lives are from those back home.  I mean, I can’t imagine any of the 11 or 12 year olds I know in the US or Canada getting this excited about riding a few minutes in a blisteringly hot car!

After eight months working in El Callejon, I’ve become accustomed to a lot of things which used to seem very different or downright abnormal.  Part of me worries about that.  I don’t want to get to the point where I’m so desensitized to things that I simply shrug them off.  I don’t want to talk flippantly about neglected children and unfaithful spouses. 

On the other hand, I also want to leave myself open to the Holy Spirit moving in me, pointing out where my ‘normal’ is unhealthy.  Sure, these girls don’t get to ride in a car very often, so that’s a Really Big Deal.  But, they also were content to hang out and color with nothing fancy, no bells and whistles, no interactive, dynamic computerized graphics. 

Is my culture’s ‘normal’ of constant noise, movement, more, more, more, really better?  I’m not sure.  What I do know is that since every culture is populated by image-bearers of our Creator, every culture bears His imprint.  Sadly, since all have fallen, every culture also has places which reject Him, embracing instead sin and death.

Part of our call in El Callejon is to help show the women, teens and girls, God’s ‘culture’ of love, trust, faith and obedience.  Then, they will be able to hold up His Light to their ‘normal’ and see where change is needed.  Of course, that’s true for me and my culture, too. 

I rejoice today in tweens who yelled and squealed getting ‘una bola’ in my dusty, hot Tracker.  Who spent two hours being entertained with nothing more than a bunch of crayons and kids’ coloring books.  Maybe it’s not ‘normal’... and maybe that’s not such a bad thing!  Maybe in their simple delight, I glimpsed a bit of the imprint of our Creator.

On Today's Menu

This morning a friend and I walked from my house to the gym and back.  Because of the elevation of Jarabacoa, the temperature cools off significantly at night, making an early morning walk (6:10 a.m., thank you very much!) lovely, and almost chilly enough for long sleeves! 

“Look at that cow!”  Walking back from the gym we passed a field with cows grazing.  (Even though I don’t live in the country, walks here include cows, horses, chickens, roosters, the occasional man with a machete, motos filled with people, and lots and lots of dogs.) 

The cow in question was not grazing on grass, but had its head in one of the big metal barrels used here for trash.  Yep, this cow, standing in a lush, green field, was munching away… on garbage. 

I’m not really sure what the cow had found that was so tasty, but, I’m guessing whatever it was, it wasn’t premium quality cow feed!  I’m pretty sure that human garbage is not the most healthful stuff for a cow.  Having had a hamburger for dinner last night, my stomach turned a bit at the thought of the meat (or milk!) that would come from this garbage-eating bovine.

And, of course, because this is how my mind works, I immediately thought – That’s a lesson there!    How often do I seek after things that are not for me?  How often do I stand in the midst of the good gifts of God, determinedly chewing smelly, icky garbage? 

This morning I read about Solomon falling away from God.  I Kings 11, says that although God had warned the Israelites not to marry women from countries like Moab and Edom, Solomon did so.  God had plainly said “they will surely turn your hearts after their gods” (vs 2). 

Remember, this is King Solomon of ‘two mothers, one baby’ fame.  I’m sure he was confident in his ability to maintain self-control.  After all, he was the smartest man in the world!  And yet, in the end, his heart was turned, and he began building altars to false gods.

The sad fact is, we often choose to ignore God’s commands.  Like Solomon, we figure we’re smart enough to not get trapped.  Like that cow, we think, Yeah, the grass is green and plentiful, but it’s so boring.  Why should I restrict myself when this fun barrel has all kinds of new flavors?!

Perhaps with the cow’s many stomachs, ingesting some garbage won’t be a problem.  It’s possible.  And, maybe, dabbling in some not-okay stuff won’t be a big deal for you or me.  After all, we’re not ‘Solomon smart’ but we still know our limits!  Hmmm. 

In the end, Solomon ‘did evil in the eyes of the Lord’ (I Kings 11:6).  For his sin, the kingdom would soon be split in two.  I can’t imagine he started marrying those beautiful, foreign women, with their political connections, intending to ruin Israel, but that’s what happened. 

Satan isn’t stupid, and he knows that if garbage looked and smelled like, well, garbage, we’d likely pass it by.  And so, the garbage in our lives often masquerades as lovely, alluring, and pretty harmless. 

Like Solomon, our hearts can be turned when we ignore God’s good commands and choose to follow after other stuff.  Other stuff that causes kingdoms to fall, our lives to come undone.  Stuff that may cause us, too, to do evil in the eyes of the Lord. 

Yeah, I know, this may sound extreme.  But, the older I get, the more I realize that when I chase after that other stuff, my life quickly becomes smelly and icky.  Having sampled my fair share of garbage, I can honestly say that living within God's loving limits is how I have found joy and abundance, and yes, a life far outside of what I could have asked or imagined. 

On today's menu... Green grass, or Garbage.  Oh, Father, may I choose Your plan, Your limits, Your good gifts, today, and every day! 

Has Sido Fiel

Last night a new friend and I were sitting talking about Jesus and what He has done in our lives.  It suddenly occurred to me…

I am sitting on a tile floor, in the Dominican Republic, eating black bean nachos with homemade salsa, listening to Indian music, sharing stories from my life in Spanish (with English thrown in when I couldn’t think of a word!). 

So not the life I ever imagined, and yet, right now, there’s nowhere else I can imagine being. 

There’s a song here I love.  The chorus says “Gracia que me levantó, Nombre que me restauró, Has sido fiel, Has sido fiel” which means “Grace that lifted me, Name that restored me, You have been faithful, You have been faithful.”

You have been faithful. 

This week I danced with Marjorie (aged 2) in my arms while the women of El Callejon sang praise songs.  I cuddled Joelly (also 2), her dusty, tiny bare feet leaving foot prints on my pants.  Has sido fiel!

God answered Ramona’s prayer.  Negra’s son was born healthy and beautiful.  Has sido fiel!

A student shared that her experience here caused her to rethink her major.  Another just needed someone to listen.  Has sido fiel!

We walked in El Callejon, stopping from time to time to chat with women, teens, girls.  Glimpses of lives so different from ours, yet just as precious.  That the conversations were in Spanish, and I could mostly understand them, in itself no small miracle.  Has sido fiel!

Sharing bits and pieces of my story, hearing the stories of our students.  How God has moved, not only in the ‘happy times’ but through the messy, icky, heart-breaking stuff of life.  Brokenness transformed into His beauty.  Has sido fiel!

I’m closing in on a year since I left my life in Harrisonburg.  Today is June 3, and I flew out on June 25.  A year of ‘last times’, ‘first times’, of tearing up, getting rid of, replanting, tearing up again, replanting again, resettling.  A year that stretched me past myself, and then stretched me some more. 

I’ve whined, complained, cried, pouted.  I’ve been frustrated, discombobulated, annoyed, sad.  Like Peter, the waves have surged, I’ve looked down, and started to sink.  Again, and again.  And yet… Has sido fiel.  Each time I’ve cried out “Save me!” strong, sure hands have lifted me, restored me.

As awesome as this is (and it really is so, so awesome!), I have to pause a moment.  Yes, I can look back on my life and declare You have been faithful. 

But, there’s something missing, something more.  My desire is that as the waves come, when the waters are up to my neck, when I feel wrecked and shaken, that in that moment, I can declare Eres fiel – You are faithful.  Not when the calm returns, but in the midst of the storm. 

And so, today I rejoice in the ways Has sido fiel, the ways God has been faithful.  It is good and important to remember. 

But, today also I renew my prayer that in His power, I will grow in faith and trust, bearing witness to His faithfulness right now, when my eyes cannot yet see, my mind cannot yet understand. 

Has sido fiel, eres fiel, serás fiel… You have been faithful, You are faithful, You will be faithful.  May that truth be my life!

Be Glorified

Luz, Ramona and I met out back yesterday afternoon.  For the past two weeks Luz had not been able to come, so it was great to be all together again!  We picked back up in our study of John, this time in Chapter 14.  There’s so much to learn from Jesus’ words to His disciples in the upper room!

¹³ And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

What do these verses mean? I asked them.  That we need to have enough faith and then God will give us the things we need. 

Their answer seems to make sense.  But… if that’s true, how do we explain all the times we don’t get what we ask for?  Working in an impoverished community, we see ‘unanswered’ prayers every day.  Who is at fault?  Is God not paying attention, or do the women just not have enough faith? 

Forgive me if I’m stepping on toes, but I think we all tend to love the first half of verse 13.  Then, we slide past the second half and focus on verse 14. 

But, sitting on the back patio of the Social Work site yesterday afternoon, the Holy Spirit made me focus on the part I tend to ignore:  so that the Father may be glorified 

I think this is the place where many of us, not just in El Callejon, but throughout the world, get confused.  I believe the Bible teaches that God will supply our needs, but we skip His larger purpose for our own. 

Nowhere in the verses above does Jesus say that He is doing what we ask for OUR sakes.  Instead, it is so that the Father may be glorified.    

We are a part of God’s plan and purpose, but it goes so much beyond us.  There is an arrogance to assuming that God exists for us, instead of the other way around.     

I want my life to be all for God and for His glory alone.  That sounds good and pious, but do I really mean it?  Do I mean it when I seem to be asking for good things – for myself, for the women, teens, and girls of El Callejon?    

If this thing, this relationship, this fill-in-the-blank that I desire, that I want, that I truly feel I need, is not going to help me give You glory, withhold it from me.  That’s a scary prayer, because it means surrendering my wants and desires. 

It means choosing to trust that God can and will be glorified in situations and circumstances I cannot understand with my puny, selfish human mind.  It means accepting that while I matter, I am not the end of the story.

There is a liberty here, if only I can grasp it.  It’s an invitation to live with open hands.  I continue to do my part, seeking to be transformed into the image of Jesus, seeking to prayerfully, passionately lift up my needs to Him.  But, with open hands, trusting that if God doesn’t provide something I think I need, it’s because He will be glorified in its absence. 

Living this way is a daily struggle.  It is part of that daily dying to myself, picking up my cross, and following hard after my Savior. 

In Jesus’ name, Father, in His name alone, I ask that You provide for us.  That You provide in ways we cannot imagine, so that Your glory may be known on earth through our lives.  Take from me all things that keep me from glorifying You.  Bring me all things that increase Your glory in my life. 

Give me courage to pray this each day.  I ask all of this in Your Son’s name, and through the power of Your Holy Spirit, Amen.