A "Brilliant" Confession

Since I’ve been trying to update my blog every couple of days, today is the day.  The only problem is, I could not think of anything to write.  I started a whole bunch of ideas, but none of them made it past the first paragraph. 

I went for a nice long walk, but instead of enjoying the beauty of the day, I looked around at things trying to find inspiration.  Oh, a pile of snow still hanging on weeks after our last storm.  That’s kind of like us, if we stay unified we don’t melt away, we just get gross and dirty… Umm, no.  How about that plastic bag which says “Please Recycle” caught in that tree branch.  Something about our words and actions not matching…?  The college kid who stopped and asked directions on Blue Stone Hills Drive who was looking for Bluestone Drive.  Something about how adding to the truth makes you utterly lost even though it sounds similar… Yeah, that’s a stretch!

It was still a pretty day and a good walk.   I live in the Shenandoah Valley, surrounded by the Blue Ridge Mountains.  Even with the trees bare of leaves, it is a beautiful part of the world.  Just being healthy enough to walk up and down the steep hills along my route is a gift from God.  Looking out to the mountains, listening to lovely music, exercising my heart and lungs, even trying to help the lost young man, all of this was good.  But a lot of the joy of just being out there was taken away by my own odd agenda.  I came back home disappointed with no deep thoughts. 

I decided to start re-reading Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.  Whoa.  I had spent an entire hour in God’s gorgeous creation, in the midst of some of the works of His hand.  But, instead of thanking Him, instead of talking with Him, instead of enjoying His presence, I had been consumed with finding something to make me look brilliant.  It was a humbling realization, to say the least! 

And, it got me thinking about how I relate to God.  I have a lot on my mind these days.  I am preparing to move to the Dominican Republic to answer His call to serve Him there.  I have a lot to do before that happens.  I need God to help me.  I need Him to provide the financial means to make this possible. I need Him to help work through all the little details included in this big change.  I need Him to act in and through me. 

But… do I recognize I just need God for His own sake?  Ouch.  I am starting to realize I am treating God as if He is there to make this happen for me.  Now, that’s not all bad, because truly, none of it will happen without Him.  I don’t think it’s a sin to ask for Him to be in every aspect of this. 

But, I am noticing a subtle shift in my relationship with God which is troubling.  The only thing I seem to talk with Him about these days is “my” stuff.  And the more it’s all about me, the less inclined I seem to be to spend time with Him.  It’s slowly becoming a chore, not a joy.  Hmmm…

When was the last time I read the Bible and spent time with Jesus just for the joy and wonder of coming near to Him?  How often are my quiet times directed by my own agenda?  My ‘holy to-do list’ of prayer requests and petitions.  Am I reading the Bible to glean insight and information, or to spend time in the presence of God?  It is certainly not a sin to do these things!  But, something is wrong, something is missing. 

The question for me today is, what will I do about this?  How do I shut off all the things running through my brain so I can once again find my joy in Christ alone?  See what I just did?  I just made it all about me again, didn’t I?  Instead of starting a new ‘to-do’ list of Improving My Relationship with Jesus perhaps I need to start by stopping.  Stopping and confessing that things between us are not good, but I don’t know how to fix it. 

I praise God that in His perfect love and grace He is revealing this to me.  The very fact that He did has given me hope that He will lead me back to Him.  Oh, Father, create in me a clean heart!  In Your Son’s love, heal this divided heart!  Teach me once again to find my joy and strength in You.  Teach me once more how to love You!

Standing in the Chaos

The world feels pretty out of control right now.  It seems as if it’s crumbling everywhere.  On every continent there is anger spilling out in alarming ways.  Listening to the news is frightening as the unrest spreads from country to country, accelerating as it goes.  How long before the whole earth just crashes into the sea?

The fact is, ever since the Fall, the world has been falling apart, filled with pain and strife and death.  Today’s news is somewhat different, but also eerily the same as always.  Read a few years’ worth of history from any time period, and you find war, death, disease, hatred.  And the innocent, the poor, the weak are the ones who suffer the most as ‘the powers that be’ wage war against each other. 

I don’t know about you, but part of me just wants to hide.  Turn off the news and pretend that since it is not currently at my front door, I don’t need to worry about it.  I mean, there’s plenty of stuff going on in my own life, and in the lives of those I love.  I honestly don’t have to emotional energy to be grieving people I’ve never met.  It's all so huge, and I am so small.

The overwhelming needs press in and I become paralyzed.  After all, since I cannot save the world, what’s the point of doing anything?  Ah, that is my problem, isn’t it?  I am not called to save the world.  I am called to be a part of a larger battle, but I am not the commander.  Jesus gave up His life to bring the world salvation, to begin breaking in with God's Kingdom.  This is the commission He gave us, to carry His Kingdom message out into this broken world.  But, it is always His message, His power, His commands we follow. 

As a Christ-follower, I know the ultimate victory is assured.  This doesn’t lessen the fact that these are frightening times.  Satan is active in the world, doing all he can to disrupt and discourage the work of those following Jesus.  I know that there may be casualties along the way.  To pretend otherwise is a lie.  Wait.  Look around, Kim.  There are casualties right now!  As I sit here typing there are people suffering and dying.

The apostle Paul got it.  When I read his letters, they pulsate with such a sense of urgency.  I don’t know about you, but I get the feeling he believed Jesus was coming back any day, and he had to get out there and do his part in fulfilling the Great Commission before Jesus returned.  He did not want to be found lacking. 

What about me?  Does my life reflect my belief Jesus is coming back soon?  (And if it was ‘soon’ 2,000 years ago, how much sooner is it now?!)  Will all this unrest finally push me to see that I can depend on nothing but the One who made and controls all things?  As scary as it is, this chaos can be a gift if it gets me up off my sanctified backside.  Up first to fall on my knees confessing my fear and hesitation.  Confessing I don’t like to be uncomfortable.  Confessing I don’t want to be in this mess. 

But I cannot spend my life on my knees.  I am called to stand up, gear up, and engage.  And not all alone.  Through Jesus, we now have the Holy Spirit’s presence living in us.  In Him alone can I find the strength to first defeat my own complacency, and then have the courage to stride with Him into the battle.  If it was important enough to Jesus that He endured torture and death, if it was important enough to God to turn away from His Son, permitting the created to kill their Creator, shouldn’t it matter to me, too?

So, perhaps these frightening, unsure times truly are a gift from God.  A gift because they may strip away all the things I look to for security.  Strip them away and leave me with nothing.  No, not with nothing.  When all else is gone, perhaps I will finally acknowledge the only One sure thing there really ever is.  Knowing that He is with me can give me courage to face these crashing, crumbling, chaotic times.   

I love these words from The Odes of Solomon (a collection of First Century AD psalms and hymns written by some of the earliest believers in Jesus – check out TheOdesProject.net for more info).  This is our comfort and hope, though everything we know and see now should perish, we can stand because God is with us.  We may die in the flesh, but even then, we will not truly die because the Lord is our Salvation! 

“Indeed my confidence is upon the Lord, and I will not fear.
And because the Lord is my salvation, I will not fear.
And He is as a woven crown upon my head, and I shall not be shaken.
Even if everything should be shaken, I shall stand firm.
And though all things visible should perish, I shall not die;
Because the Lord is with me, and I with Him.
Hallelujah.”    (Ode 5:10-15)

How Y'all Doing, Eh?

I’ve been packing up things to send ahead to the D.R. and trying to figure out how best to sell/donate stuff like my furniture.  It’s strange to calculate how many more cardamom pods I think I’ll use between now and then.  Which clothes do I want in the D.R. but won’t need before I get there?  Which cook books can I do without for the next several months? 

Since I will be living out of a suitcase pretty much from the end of May until October, I know I should just send what I’ll need and go ahead and get rid of the rest.  But, what if I send away Extending the Table, and then in April really want to make my favorite dal?  What will I sit on if I sell my couches too soon?  Where’s that fine line between comfort now and having the right things there later?  I also know my concern in these small things is actually part of the larger fear of this next chapter in my life.

It reminds me of storing up treasures in Heaven.  No, I’m not saying that the D.R. is Heaven (although, the mango and pineapple are mighty tasty!).  What I mean is, I say I believe my citizenship is in Heaven, and that I am to store up (send ahead) my treasures there.  As a Christ-follower, I am invited to live in the freedom which comes from holding all things lightly.  Instead, however, like my debate about what to pack now, I clutch ever so much more tightly when things get scary.  And, whether it’s the larger world or our own lives, I think most of us would agree it’s rather scary these days! 

Another thought about citizenship.  I was never more Canadian than when I stepped onto Calvin College’s campus my freshman year.  (Calvin is in Grand Rapids, Michigan.)  I was born, and lived my first 18 years in Canada.  Something about being in the U.S. made me fiercely loyal to my birth country.  Admittedly, I went way overboard and came off as slightly kooky, with a giant maple-leaf shaped chip on my shoulder!  I even wrote an outraged Letter to the Editor about some slight joke regarding Canadian currency.  Not my proudest literary moment! 

I’m not proposing we obnoxiously tout the place of our true citizenship, but are we loyal to it?  Is being here on earth so comfortable that we forget our real Home?   Do we have ‘Kingdom’ accents, or have we adjusted our speech patterns to here?  The longer I’ve lived in the States, the less Canadian I’ve become.  An occasional “Eh” still does crop up, but I’m far more likely to say “Y’all” now.  If my citizenship, my treasure, is firmly elsewhere, shouldn’t that be reflected in my life?  Shouldn’t the way I live point to somewhere (SomeOne) else? 

None of this means I don’t care deeply about my ‘adopted’ country.  In fact, it should free me up to do whatever it takes to make an impact.  What’s the worst that can happen?  I can be ‘deported’, but that means I get to go Home!  What was it the Apostle Paul said?  To live is Christ and to die is gain.  To live is working in this broken world, to die is to go to our true Home.  Either way, God is glorified, and my treasure is secure! 

Wow, I’m so far from this.  I confess I try to combine my Heavenly home with my earthly one.  I want the best parts of here and now plus the best parts of then and there.  It’s like saying, “How y’all doing, eh?”  (Yes, I have said some variation of that on occasion!)  I like to think I’m managing this juggling act, but am I really?  Like my desire to send things ahead to the D.R. without sacrificing any of my current comfort, I can wind up spiritually exhausted by trying to hold on and let go at the same time. 

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy.  I’m not saying I won’t miss certain ‘fun’ things.  What I am saying is this: What if… what if God’s way really is the most freeing?  What if I by limiting my ‘treasure’ here, I am more able to stay focused on There?  Focused on the fact that it’s going to be so good I don’t want anyone here to miss out?  I think about how amazing my favorite dal is going to taste after not being able to enjoy it for six months.  How much more amazing to be in our true Home, sharing in the treasure of spending eternity with Jesus!  Isn’t that worth a little discomfort here?  Now, to get packing!

All Things Being Equal, I’ll Take the Bugs!

“I think you should come with us to the D.R.”  Sitting in my office at the church was our Youth Director, Laura.  I don’t really remember what I said.  I think I probably gave one of those non-committal, “Mmm”s.  It didn’t really seem feasible, what with all my job duties at the church.  Plus, it was hardly something I had experience in.  How in the world was I going to be any help?  Yeah, nice idea, but not realistic.

After she left, however, I did start to really think about it.  You see, I’d been praying God would stretch me out past my comfortable little life.  Oops!  Why had I not learned that prayers like that are dangerous?!  This would certainly be way out of my comfort zone!  A college friend (Calvin – Go Knights!) had been telling me how each summer he took high school students to the Dominican Republic through an incredible organization called Students International.  I emailed him about Laura’s suggestion.  And whoa, it was the same place he went!  That helped decide it for me.

I said yes, it was approved, and wham! done deal.  Now the doubts started to pound down on me.  Laura had told me how bad the bugs were.  I hate bugs.  As in, screaming-like-a-little-girl hate.  As in, squirting raid at a big ol’ palmetto bug scurrying along the kitchen floor and then slamming a glass over it and leaving it there… for a week… before getting up the nerve to gently slide a piece of paper under it and carry it to the trash, shuddering the whole time. 

So, bugs.  And Spanish.  I was raised in Canada.  Years and years of French would do me no good.  What else?  Living in a cabin with nine others.  Hmm.  I’m single, and love having ‘my’ space, and lots of ‘me-time’.  Non-stop people was not going to be fun.  On top of that, we wouldn’t be able to use the water in the taps, and wouldn’t be able to flush toilet paper down the commode.  Laura mentioned something called a ‘poo basket’. Yeah, this was just getting better and better!  

Oh, hang on.  Wait a sec.  This was a Youth mission trip.  Youth.  That meant... students.  Students!  Why did it have to be students?  (Yep, I sounded a little like Indiana Jones!)  At the time I was 40 years old.  Divorced, no children.  None of my friends in the area had kids that age.  Our students were going to be so unenthused about my presence.  They were going to see me as a grouchy old lady!  What was I going to say to any of them?  What in the world was I thinking?  Was it too late to back out?!

As Christ-followers, we are all called to make disciples.  I confess, I have not always taken this seriously.  I felt I had nothing to offer, I was afraid I’d be asked things I wasn’t going to be able to answer.  Very frankly, I preferred coping with scary bugs to sharing any of my life with young people.  Thankfully, God did not wait until I felt capable of fulfilling His command before He made a way for me to begin!

I’d love to say that the minute I started hanging out with the students, all my concerns were washed away as we connected immediately and significantly.  Laura could tell you that certainly wasn’t the case!  What I can say is that slowly, but surely, I started to see ‘them’ as individuals.  I started to care less about what the kids thought of me, and more about what they had to say.  I started to realize that they were pretty cool – and more important, they didn’t expect me to be! 

One afternoon I sat listening to one of our students behind our cabin.  She was sharing important, big deal stuff with me.  Sitting on the concrete step, blue sky above, palm trees in the background, clothes drying on the line, I began to realize a deep truth.  This student didn’t need dismissive platitudes and pat answers.  She wasn’t looking for me to say something so definitive and wise her life would be instantly changed forever. 

What she did need was someone to listen – really listen.  Someone to value her concerns and questions.  Someone to be real, and admit it wasn’t always easy and there weren’t always simple solutions.  That, I could do.  When we got back to Harrisonburg, I continued to meet with a small group of high school girls.  It became one of the highlights of my week!

I shared earlier this week about what Students International is doing in El Callejon.  Along with long-term community development, SI is also committed to helping students (who come down on short-term trips) to encounter Jesus.  Through their experiences ministering in the D.R., the students’ faith can stretch and grow, and their understanding of how God works can deepen.  As they are discipled, the students are equipped to join in making disciples. I love this Christ-like approach! 

And so, through God’s grace, I will continue to spend time with young people, hearing their stories, sharing mine.  As groups of students come down to the D.R., I will have the privilege of serving and growing with those assigned to El Callejon.  What a joy to be walking a small part of their journey!

I’m so thankful that God is not dependent upon my abilities and self-esteem!  I’m thankful He is able to work through my brokenness to connect with others.  I’m thankful this includes students.  You know, all things being equal, you can keep the bugs.  Bring on the kids!!

Comin' 'Round the Mountain

How can I be back here again?  Didn’t I wrestle with this already?  Didn’t I come to terms with this through lots of tears?  Didn’t I release this particular struggle to God’s care?  Have I failed?  Is my faith too weak?  Why, God, why?

Have you ever felt that way?  You’ve come through a wilderness bloodied but not beaten.  You’ve been stretched and learned to rely on our Father in new ways.  You’ve experienced the joy of His healing and love.  And yet… here you are again, seemingly knocked back months (or even years!) on your spiritual growth path.

I read something once that has stuck with me and gives me hope on days like today.  Our faith walk, this author stated, is not a straight line, making any slip a backward motion.  Instead, we should think of ourselves hiking on a mountain trail, which winds around its circumference, slowly upward. 

I picture a majestic mountain, like one of the Rockies.  Along its side are areas of shale, washed out places, deep cuts which extend vertically.  As we journey, we encounter such a spot.  We struggle, barely able to keep balance as we climb over rocks, into gullies, head bowed down against winds which buffet us.  We cry out, and find our Rope, firmly grounded, which no shaking or stumbling can loosen.  Grasping it, we walk (or possibly crawl!) through. 

Things smooth out again.  We travel on and up and around until we come back to that place.  We are a little higher than before, but this is still dangerous terrain.  Once more, we struggle.  Perhaps we lose our footing on the scree and slip, even falling down momentarily.  We dust ourselves off and keep going.  Our Father once again guides us, His Holy Spirit giving us the power to persevere to the other side. 

Now we go up and around again, but this time, we begin to notice the scenery, and become aware that we are heading into the washed-out place.  We may still stumble, but this time we don’t wait until we are slipping before we grab onto our Rope.  Sometimes we pass with just a little wobble, other times we fight for each step, but on we go, learning more about ourselves, more about our sure Guide. 

We continue to travel, up and around, five, six, ten times, until at some point, we’ve climbed up past this particular gully.  Ahead are new hazards, new challenges, new places of struggle and growth.  And all the while, we travel on and up.  All the while, we travel in the grace of God.  We travel in His power. 

Through this journey He is with us, revealing to us our crevices, our areas of weakness.  He invites us to confront them, giving us His courage to brave the shale, our firm Foundation though the rocks crash down around us.

So, here I am, back again, confronting a battle I thought was done.  Are you there, too?  Perhaps today your scars ache, reminding you of your own place of weakness.  We need to hear the words of Jesus – Take heart!  In Him, we are not where we were.  Think about it - just the fact that we recognize this spot of struggle is forward movement!

Let me say it again - take heart, fellow travelers!  We do not walk alone.  The One who has brought us through in the past has promised He will never fail us or forsake us.  Remember that He, too, has traveled this path, and was tempted in every way we have been.  Let’s grab hold of our Rope, lean into Him, and allow Him to walk with us as we once again travel this rough patch. 

And when we see another struggling, let’s join in the journey.  Let’s remind each other that God has led us in the past, and He will continue the good work He has started.  Let’s remind each other that the battle which is waging is worth it, because it is bringing us closer to the summit.  Closer to the top of the mountain. 

And then, oh joy!  All the struggle will end, and with sure, strong steps we will approach the Throne and behold our Savior, our Rope, our Guide, face-to-face!

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  (II Corinthians 3:18)

Kim Eats What?

Someone I work with told me that he glanced at the name of my blog and wondered what an “el callejon” was, and why I was eating it.  Now, I do love to eat, but I’m hoping others see that it says Hearts!

So, what is an el callejon, and why am I heart-ing it?

El Callejon is a small squatters’ community close to Jarabacoa, D.R.  It grew up more than 10 years ago when families displaced by a hurricane were told they could stay there.  The government had no way to help them, and simply pointed them to some ‘vacant’ land.  The people built small homes made of scrap wood, cinder block and other materials they could find. 

This vacant land was not really vacant, and when the owner showed up, he built a tall cinderblock wall, complete with razor wire to keep the people from building any further.  The pitted dirt road and ugly little dwellings bump up against this wall.  Too high to see over, what is visible are all the tall, lovely trees, nearby yet cut off from the people.  On the other side of this community is a large, lush golf course.  Rarely used, this sprawling green land is off-limits and a constant reminder of how trapped the people of El Callejon are.

Today there are between 100-150 families living there.  The road is a rutted dirt path where the children run around barefoot in garbage and worse.  There is little for the women to do, as even menial labor in wealthy homes or nearby Jarabacoa requires a way to get there.  Some of the men are able to find employment in fields or town, but not all of them do.  Social problems are rampant, as is typical when many people are squished together with little to do, and no hope for something better.  The family structure is weak, with marriage in the legal sense being uncommon.  This leads to increased abuse, and the men come and go, leaving the women with responsibility for raising the children.

El Callejon can be translated as ‘alley’ but also takes on the meaning of ‘dead end’ or ‘street of no return’.  The SI staff pastor has said that there is a feeling of darkness in this community.  Satan has a grip on these precious people, lost and forgotten between wealth on both sides that passes by and ignores them.   Imagine living in a literal and figurative street of no return.  Imagine raising children knowing they are growing up in a dead end!  What possible help can there be?

Students International has been working there, bringing the light of Jesus into this dark place for the past several years.  One simple yet moving thing it has done is have students come and paint murals on the wall.  Using bright colors, the murals incorporate truths from the Bible, including verses and images of hope.  At the top of this blog is one that says Jesus Loves El Callejon.  What a reminder to those who are living in this dead end! 

Along with painting murals, SI has opened a preschool and a women’s social work site.   In the past year a ‘boys club’ has started as well as a microfinance ministry.  I will be working at the social work site for women, teens and girls.  Approximately 100 are ministered to each week.  More would like to participate, but with a one-room center, space is tight.  In this small place, Jesus is proclaimed and the women are coming to know that they are of value because they are precious daughters of the King. 

What a joy to watch the teens coming in carrying their Bibles.  To hear the little girls reciting the memory verses Daisy gives them each week.  To sit with the women singing songs of praise.  Out of this focus on Jesus comes everything else, including teaching skills and crafts.  Daisy has taught the women to embroider, knit and sew.  In this way, they are shown that they have the ability to learn, and they can sell their handiwork to help support themselves and their children.

The work is not easy.  Each day Daisy and Caroline walk in to crises, discord, sickness, problems.  Each day they make a choice to continue to pour the love of Jesus into this community.  I am humbled by the love and commitment they have to this small piece of God’s kingdom.  Caroline and her husband (and their new son James!) are finishing their term this year, and with more than a little fear and trembling, I will be stepping in and coming alongside my sister Daisy.  From the first time I met her, on our outreach in 2008, we have had a connection.  This past year, that grew (helped by the fact that I could actually speak a little Spanish this time!). 

I’m including my favorite picture of the two of us.  Without intending it, we are mirroring each other.  I love this because it shows me what it’s like to be focused on Jesus and His heart for the world.  No matter that we are very different, and don’t even have the same ‘heart language’.  As we strive to reflect Christ and take on His character, in some ways we all mirror each other; in our concern for others, in our seeking after Jesus, in our passion for God’s glory. 

So, I heart El Callejon because Jesus does.  I heart it because Jesus poured out His life for the people living in dead ends.  And really, without His salvation, that’s every one of us!

A Generous Heart

For the past few years I’ve been using a Chronological Bible broken down into daily readings.  I love it because it helps me to see things in context.  Reading Psalm 51 after the narrative of David’s adultery adds depth to his cry “Create in me a clean heart, O God.”  Reading all the ‘minor’ prophets within the context of the two kingdoms and captivity helps make sense of their angry words.  Reading all four Gospel accounts of Jesus’ time in Gethsemane, His arrest, trials, and crucifixion is grueling and exhausting.  And then the Resurrection stories one after another are like a sudden burst of sun through the clouds. 

Right now I’m in Exodus, in the desert.  Moses has called for gold, silver, spices, etc., so that Bezalel and Oholiab can build and furnish the tabernacle to God’s exact specifications (Exodus 25-31).  The Israelites had been slaves in Egypt, their lives regulated and controlled by the Egyptians, all the way to having to kill their own sons.  They certainly would not have had a huge stock of precious stones and fine linen. 

How did they get all this stuff in the desert?  When God delivered them from Egypt, Moses told the Israelites to ask their captors for clothing and gold and silver.  In fear, the Egyptians virtually throw all their wealth at them (Exodus 12:35-36).  So, now the former slaves are asked to give up some of this bounty. 

As I read these chapters today, what jumped out at me was this:  Even though these treasures are only in the Israelites’ hands because of His intervention, God does not demand the gifts to be brought.  Instead He tells Moses to accept from those who are willing.  In the NLT it says those with ‘generous hearts’ (Exodus 35:4). 

Just a few chapters earlier the Israelites had given up gold for a different purpose, the making of a golden calf (Exodus 32).  Aaron didn’t ask for those who were willing.  Instead, he tells the people to strip earrings from their wives and kids (Exodus 32:2).  God, who had every right to demand, does not.  Aaron, with no rights, does.  Despite their sinfulness, God desires gifts given from willing hearts. 

What does that tell me?  First of all, like the Israelites, I am reminded that without God’s intervention I was a slave with nothing to offer Him.  Through His power, I have been freed and given every good gift through the Holy Spirit.  How generous is my heart in how I use them in His service?  Do I willingly offer, or am I stingy, not wanting to give to the point of inconvenience?  Jesus did not stop giving until He was completely poured out for our sakes.  God did not stop His gift until He descended into hell, breaking the power of death over us.    

The Israelites gave and gave and gave (Exodus 35:20-21).  It is humbling to see that these messed up, sinful Israelites gave such an abundance.  This was, of course, before Jesus came and demonstrated His perfect sacrifice.  How much more generous should my heart be, on this side of the cross?    

The outpouring of gifts was so great that Moses actually had to tell them to stop bringing things (Exodus 36:6-7).  I think this means there was plenty left over for the Israelites to enjoy.  It is counter-intuitive, but when I worry about how much I can afford to give, there never seems to be enough.  When I recall that nothing I have was actually mine to begin with, I can loosen the tight grip I have on my stuff, my time, my life. 

I want to be generous, not just in my giving, but in the way my heart sees the world.  I’ve got a long, long way to go.  I’m so thankful that God, in His infinite generosity, is so patient!  Open my eyes, open my hands, open my heart!!  May I give my everything, because in that giving, I will find I have everything!

But...

“So, how are things going with your fund-raising?”  For obvious reasons, I am asked that quite frequently these days.  The truth is, things are going incredibly well.  I set myself a goal to have commitments for 100% of my monthly and ‘up-front’ expenses before I head to mission training mid-May.  To date, I am close to two-thirds of the monthly and one-third of the up-front funds raised.  With several more people to contact and three more months to go, God has been providing in amazing ways.  

The book that helped guide my approach focuses on the fact that (1) this is God's work and so it is appropriate to ask others to support me, and (2) it is more about the connection with others than about the money.  I agree with both points, and truly do feel that this is about God’s glory being proclaimed.  I get excited being able to share how He is at work in the D.R., and how He has been moving in my heart.  It’s been incredible to see how God is using even this portion of my journey to help me share His love. 

God is good, His work is good, and it is good to invite others to be a part of it.  By allowing others to bless me, I am helping them to be blessed.  And, truly, God is so faithful.  I am in awe of how He is moving.  God has connected me with people I’d never met before, re-connected me with friends, and brought out interest (and generosity!) from unexpected places.  It is overwhelming and humbling. 

Sweet, Kim, this is awesome.  You should be turning sanctified cartwheels.  Yes, I should.

Okay.  If you are like me, you are now preparing for the giant, “But”.  I’ve lived down south long enough to know that if someone starts a sentence with “I love her to death…” it’s going to end with “but did you see that ugly dress?”  Or, “I don’t mean any harm…” will conclude with “but he has got to be fired”.

I’m one of those ‘glass half-empty’ types.  Jesus said that in this world we would have trouble.  I completely agree.  So, I don’t get freaked out when bad stuff happens.  Instead, when things are going along smoothly ('too' smoothly), I start to worry.  I wait for the “But…”  It is a terrible way to live. 

Right now things are going well.  Instead of feeling that this is confirmation of God’s call on my life, I’m waiting for the “But…”  It’s this strange tension where I actually feel some relief if something goes wrong.  It’s like I need there to be a balance of good and bad.  How I dearly wish I was not like this!  I brace myself for bad things, and in that way rob myself of the joy of the good ones. 

The weird thing is, when I’m struggling, I know that God is right there with me.  I talk with Him a lot when I’m going through tough stuff.  It’s when everything is coming together that I tend to stop sharing things with Him.  I know God works in all things for the good of those who love Him, but I only ever think of that in terms of the ‘bad’ things.  Why can I not see that He is also at work in the good stuff? 

Jesus is with me in my troubles, but also in my joys.  It’s so sad that I am okay crying out to Him in need, but don’t invite Him into my joy.  How did I get into this odd habit of only inviting Jesus into my pain and suffering?  How it must grieve Him to only be a part of my icky stuff!!  When awesome things happen in my life, I want those I love to celebrate with me.  I don’t spend my time with them fretting about some future point when it’s going to be bad. I just enjoy sharing happiness together. 

How horrible would it be if I gave a friend a picture frame, and instead of enjoying it, she sat and talked about how awful it was going to be when she dropped it and it smashed into pieces?!  Is that how I treat God, who gives me not knick-knacks but grace upon grace?

 

Wow, Father, You are amazing and I am a mess.  Thank you for hearing our cries of pain, but thank you, maybe even more, for hearing our shouts of gladness.  Thank you that You love me enough to nudge me when I’m being silly.  Forgive me for accepting Your good gifts in a spirit of apprehension instead of joy.  Teach me to revel in You!

Pinnacle

This past Sunday I was blessed to preach on the fourth commandment, which is remembering the Sabbath to keep it holy.  Part of my study was going back to the very beginning, to when God first established a day of rest.  As I read, I noticed something I hadn’t caught before. 

The first chapter ends with the sixth day, the creation of mankind. We’re quite content to stop there.  God sees everything, especially the pinnacle of His creativity – Us, of course! – and calls it very good.  Everything is laid out in its proper order.  The end.

So, what’s the problem?  I would argue that by stopping there, we miss out on the most amazing thing in the story!  By ending at the sixth day, it’s as if we spend all this time preparing for the party, and then skip the actual festivities!  

Don’t get me wrong.  The first chapter of Genesis is incredible.  Out of the void and nothingness the Triune God speaks the universe into being.  It is moving and beautiful.  The progression of the days, each building upon the other, adds anticipation to the story.  But then, just as we are about to get to the best part, we stop. 

What happens in chapter two that’s even better than all of the things God creates?  “By the seventh day God had finished the work He had been doing; so on the seventh day He rested from all His work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it He rested from all the work of creating that He had done.” Genesis 2:2-3 

Did you catch that?  God has just created everything, and yet, the thing He sets apart and calls holy is time.  Time to rest and enjoy.  Obviously, God didn’t need to take a break in the way we do!  But, He chose to stop and rest.  Why?  Notice, this is before the Fall in chapter 3.  So, this also wasn’t in concession to our sin which causes us to need time to regain our strength.  Why set it apart then?      

The word ‘Sabbath’ means to cease or to interrupt.  After declaring His creation good, God ceases His creative efforts, not because He is tired, but because His work is complete. Think about it.  The infinite, creative, almighty God has looked out over all He has made, and there is not one single flower or animal more needed. 

The work is done, but, God has one crowning thing to add.  One final day.  A day He blesses and calls holy.  And this day comes as a bit of a surprise!  Up until now, God has blessed creation to be fruitful and multiply. But He sets apart this seventh day for ceasing.  It is marked and blessed by its lack of activity.   

Could it be, then, that the pinnacle of creation is, not, in fact, any created thing?  Not even us?  Could it instead be that the pinnacle is this sacred time when God rested?  When He enjoyed Himself and His creativity, both complete and perfect?  It is humbling to think this way.  We are ‘very good’, but the Sabbath is ‘holy’, which means it shares in His perfection.  We can bless God by what we do, yes, but our true worship is acknowledging in all things His complete perfection. 

And so, God invites us to spend time doing this.  No, that’s wrong.  He does not simply invite us, as if it’s an option!  We are commanded to do so.  The holy One, the only Triune God is worthy of our praise.  By honoring the Sabbath we join in declaring that in God alone we have our all.   The blessing is in the very inactivity of the day.  There is nothing we can add to God’s provision. 

When we dishonor the Sabbath by ignoring it, using it as another day for our own purposes, we are treating as unholy something God, the Holy One, has called holy.  God takes this day of rest very seriously.  Any reading of the Old Testament shows just how seriously! 

But we are New Testament believers, so things have changed, haven’t they?  I would have to argue no.  Jesus didn’t negate this command.  Instead, He intensified it by pointing us back to its original purpose.  Going through the rigid, legalistic motions as the Pharisees did was not just oppressive to the people, but a stench to God.  Instead of taking time to cease striving and to reflect on God’s provision, they set up a bunch of rules so man could control his own dealings with God.  No wonder Jesus was disgusted! 

Jesus said that acceptable worship was done in spirit and in truth.  A day spent in this way, no matter the particulars, declares once more that God alone is our all in all.

Oh, Creator God, forgive me for dismissing this command so lightly.  Refresh me and help me to seek Your rest.  May I cease striving, and in that surrender, may I know You!  You alone are perfect and holy.  You alone are able to provide all things.  You alone are worthy of praise.  May I reflect the true pinnacle of creation, Your Sabbath day of rest, by glorifying You and enjoying You now and forever.

Hello. My Name is Kim.

Hello.  My name is Kim, and I’m a control-oholic.  Every day I fight against myself and my need to be in charge.  Some days are good days and I am able to cope with the unexpected.  On other days, I fume and fuss and want to scream.  I’m a functional control-oholic, which may be even worse, because my condition masquerades as efficiency.  Since I get things done, no one really sees the depth of my problem.  But, there are glimpses when I am under a lot of pressure.  Like a covered pot, I boil away, spitting out scalding water, stinging anyone nearby.  Yes, I am a control-oholic.

Let me quickly state that I am not saying this to be cute.  For any of you who are struggling with addictions, whether alcohol or pornography or over-eating, please know I am not minimizing your daily pain.  I lived with an alcoholic for more than eight years.  In some ways, it was hardest when he was trying to quit again.  In the midst of it, especially during an extended binge, it was almost easier.  I knew I couldn’t depend on him, and so I just ‘did my thing’.

When my husband was trying to quit he became moody and got angry or upset at the smallest things.  I could see the conflict and struggle on his face as he battled his inner demons.  It was almost a relief for us both when he gave up again and headed to the bar.  Exhausted by the fight, he would quit quitting.  Our lives would go back to ‘normal’.  Of course, our normal was extremely unhealthy and destructive.

One of the things they teach in 12-step programs is that we need to acknowledge our powerlessness, and that there is a higher Power.  With all due respect, I do not believe in a ‘higher power’.  I believe in our triune God, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, who loves us so much that He chose to come and die to release prisoners and set captives free. 

I believe in Jesus, who was tempted in every way I am.  When Jesus was in the wilderness, Satan tempted Him with offers of control.  Take the easy way out, submit and then I’ll give You the world.  It was a lie, since Satan didn’t have the right to offer Jesus anything!  But what a temptation to be able to skip the hard parts that were coming, and just jump to having all things under His control.

And so, Jesus understands my temptation to wrest away control.  What comforts me most is not even that He defeated Satan in the wilderness, but that later, in Gethsemane, Jesus submitted to His Father.  Not without pain, not without literal blood, sweat and tears, but He still said, Thy will be done.  Was it worth the effort?  Was it worth the fight? 

A wise friend of mine, who works as a campus pastor, tells her students that they should not be surprised that being a Christ-follower can be a struggle.  When Jesus lives in us, we have two natures.  Our old sinful nature is doing battle against the new creation we are becoming.  If we are not struggling, could it be that we’ve given up?  Going back to one nature may almost be a relief.  Of course, like my marriage, this defeated state is actually more destructive than the battle!

The really cool thing is, we are not alone in this fight.  The Holy Spirit is in us, and He is the true warrior.  We have a part, of course, but He will take the brunt of the offensive against us.  He will strengthen us and uphold us with His right hand.  My part is to acknowledge my need and cry out to Him.  Do I recognize my need for Him? 

Hello.  My name is Kim and I’m a control-ohlic, but the One who defeated death has promised to never leave me or forsake me.  He will see this completed.  As I make a choice to acknowledge my weakness and inability to do this on my own, He will be my champion.  Today I am choosing to die to my need to be in control so that I may live in the freedom of God’s control.  I can only focus on today.  Tomorrow the battle will begin again, but the One who orders all my days has promised He will meet me in all my tomorrows.  Hello. 

I'm Here

(I wrote this a while ago after a friend shared the pain she felt while holding her child as he was given multiple needles.  I share it today because I needed the reminder that One who loves us with an everlasting love is with us.  I pray it may be an encouragement to you.)

His mother closes the picture-book they’ve been reading, takes his hand, and leads him into a stark, white room.  The boy wrinkles his nose at its harsh and unfamiliar smell.  His mom lifts him up onto a table covered with paper.  It is white, too, and he can hear it crinkling as he moves around. 

She pulls his t-shirt over his head, smoothing down his hair.  She takes his hand in hers.  Even though he’s a big boy of almost five, he still likes it when she holds his hand.  She points out the strange things hanging by the sink.  They look at a poster of Noah’s ark and name the animals together.  All the while, she strokes his hand. 

A man walks in wearing a long coat; white, just like everything else.  He smiles briefly, and goes to the sink to wash his hands.  Drying them, he pulls on gloves and walks over.  His mother squeezes the boy’s hand and lets it go as she steps away.  “I won’t leave you”, she assures him.  The man picks up a cotton ball and rubs it on the boy’s arm.  It has a strong smell that makes his nose prickle.  He doesn’t like it.  His mother is still there, but she feels very far away. 

The man picks up a long, sharp needle and grasps the boy’s arm.  He looks at his mother in alarm.  “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he hears her say.  The needle is getting closer.  Scared, the boy begins to squirm and cry.  Turning, the man murmurs something the boy cannot hear.  His mother nods and climbs up onto the examining table next to him.  She pulls the boy onto her lap, wrapping her arms around him.  Close like this he can smell her.  The smell that is home and safety and love.  His mother’s smell.  “It’s going to be okay” she says again.

But, it’s not okay.  The man is still there with the needle.  Shocked, the boy turns his head to look at his mother.  She isn’t saving him.  She isn’t taking him away from the man.  “No!  Please, mommy!” he pleads.  She continues to hold him with arms that are gentle, but firm.  “I’m right here with you, sweetheart.” 

No matter how hard he tries, he cannot twist free.  “No, no, no!”  Eyes opened wide in disbelief, he feels the needle pierce his skin with a sudden, stinging pain.  He takes a shuddering breath as his mother rocks him back and forth, her head resting lightly on top of his.

No!  The prickly smell is back.  The man has another cotton ball, and is reaching for his other arm.  Why is his mom letting this happen?  Is it because he was bad?  Doesn’t she love him anymore?  He starts to sob and shake even harder than before. “No, mommy, no!”  His mother tenderly turns him so they are facing each other.  She holds his gaze.  “Sweetheart, I know you’re scared, but I’m here with you.”  She kisses him.  Her cheek feels wet when she presses it against his. 

She cups his chin in her hand, “I’m here.  We can do this”.  The boy hears love and confidence in her voice.  He turns back to face the man, settling into his mother, and her arms encircle him once more.  Breathing in, he can smell her.  Faint at first.  He closes his eyes and breathes again.  It’s stronger now.  He hears her whispering, “I’m right here.” 

He is still scared.  When it comes, the second needle still hurts.  She is not taking him away, but she keeps holding him.  She does not leave, just as she promised.  “Hush, sweetheart.  Mommy is here.”

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

   and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

   the flames will not set you ablaze.                     Isaiah 43:2