Who Am I?

This might sound morbid, but the idea of losing my life for Jesus, while scary, is something I kind of figured was a possibility.  As such, even though I’m afraid of being harmed and killed (seriously, it does terrify me!) it’s been a part of my internal processing of my call.  (Not because there is anything inherently unsafe about the D.R.!  Anytime we are engaged in God’s work, there are risks.) 

So, while I’m not particularly brave, losing my life is not a way out-there thought.  I’ve kind of approached this whole thing about laying down my life and taking up my cross as giving up my stuff, my sense of belonging, enduring hardships and frustration, doing with less and possibly even dying physically.  Yep, I’ve been feeling pretty good about my depth of understanding… 

What I’m learning here at MTI is that it goes way, way deeper than I had previously comprehended.    

As I’ve blogged, we’ve been learning about different styles for handling conflict.  We’ve also been learning about entering into a new culture.  To not stay aloof and outside, but to Exit our (safe, secure, known) vantage point and Enter into theirs (which will feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and often downright ‘wrong’). 

Yes, some of the ways I do things need to change.  But, I am realizing it goes way past that.  To truly enter another culture means I'm going to be changing who I am.  And the question which came to my mind today was, What if I am not called to physically lose my life, but to somehow stop being the Kim I know myself to be? 

I have come to the place where I am able to hold my material things, as well as things like support-raising, trusting God to help me learn Spanish, have effective ministry, make friends, etc., relatively loosely.  I no longer clutch frantically at stuff that used to freak me out.  But this.  Well, this is different. 

The other is external.  It’s on the outside of me.  I’m okay with God asking me to sacrifice any and all of that.  Or, at least, I’m growing into a place of being okay with it!  Now I am discovering what is being asked of me is not just doing without all the outer trappings.  Instead, I am being asked to consider the possibility that I will need to give up what makes me me. 

I say my identity is in Jesus, and Him alone.  Suddenly, I see how flippantly I’ve recited those words.  Because, what I’ve been saying is that the me I know myself to be is who is in Him.  That’s not it at all.  Or, not all of it.   I am called to deny myself.  Not deny my stuff, but deny my-self.  To turn away from me.  Only in this way can I turn fully to Jesus.  As a new creation I am not a rebuilt version made up of the old stuff.  I am to become completely new.  The very substance of me is to change. 

Can I just say, this terrifies me.  When I look in the mirror, who will I see if I am not the Kim I know?  Can I trust God?  Can I trust the One who knew me before I was born, and purposed my life before the foundations of the earth?  Can I trust that when I no longer know who I am, God will fill me, and give me a new identity in Him?

John 15 keeps coming back again and again.  Jesus is the Vine, I am a branch.  I need to remain attached to Him.  I also need to understand that the Father prunes those who are in the Vine.  Do I trust the Master Gardener to lovingly cut away the unfruitful, unhealthy parts of me which are keeping me from living more fully into the Kim He died to save?  Tonight, all I can do is cling to the cross.

Llena Mi Vida

I am sitting here listening to an amazing song written by an amazing young man.  The song is called Llena Mi Vida, which means Fill My Life.  The song-writer is named Melvin Colon.

Last year while we were in the D.R., Melvin came and shared his testimony, helped by one of the missionaries at S.I. named Amy.  Melvin has Cerebral Palsy.  Although his condition traps his body in a wheelchair, his spirit soars.  As he spoke, his face shone with the light of Jesus.

Melvin has written around a dozen songs, praising God for all He has done.  Some of Melvin’s brothers and sisters in Christ have put his Spirit-filled words to music and recorded them.  I just downloaded his album, called Usame Senor (Use Me, Lord) from CD Baby.  Check it out here.  http://origin.cdbaby.com/cd/melvincolon

The song Llena Mi Vida captivated me last summer.  When I think about the D.R. this song is a part of all that God was doing in my heart.  Listening now fills me with such a longing to be there.  I know I am right where I need to be, and that my time in Guatemala, too, will be good and necessary.  But for tonight, I am feeling a little homesick for my new country. 

Thank you, Father, for filling my heart with love for El Callejon, and the D.R.  Please continue to fill my life with You and You alone.  I don’t want to live without You.  All I have, and all I am, is Yours.  Thank you for loving me.

I’ve included the words in both Spanish and English.  May this be the prayer of our hearts.

Llena Mi Vida por Melvin Colon

Sénor llena mi corazón 
Ensename de tu camino 
Espiritu Santo yo quiero
Sentirte  (Sentir Tu poder)

Yo quiero sentir Tu presencia
Llename Sénor con Tu amor
Yo quiero sentir Tu unción
Consúmame Sénor con Tu fuego

Llena mi vida
Ven a tocarme

Ese es mi invitación (Llena mi vida)
Al Dios de los cielos  (Ven a tocarme)
Porqué Tu quieres vivir en mi? (Llena mi vida)
Y o no sé, yo no sé, yo no sé (Ven a tocarme)
No quiero vivir sin Ti  (Llena mi vida)
No quiero vivir sin Ti  (Ven a tocarme)
Gracias por amarme  (Llena mi vida)
Gracias por amarme  (Ven a tocarme)

Fill My Life by Melvin Colon

Lord, fill my heart
Teach me Your way
Holy Spirit I want to
Feel You (Feel Your power)

I want to feel Your presence
Fill me, Lord, with Your love
I want to feel Your anointing
Consume me, Lord, with Your fire

Fill my life
Come and touch me

This is my invitation
To the God of the heavens
Why do You want to live in me?
I don’t know
I don’t want to live without You
Thank you for loving me

Of Teddy Bears and Turtles (& Sharks & Foxes & Owls)

“If you are not willing to grow in your Conflict Management, please:  Don’t go to the Mission Field OR, If you are already on the field, find a way to leave the Mission ASAP.”  This was how we started our class-time on Conflict Provides Opportunities yesterday.  

This was coupled with a sobering statistic:  84% of missionaries will not stay in the same place they are first sent.  Some will change location, some will change sending agency, and some will quit the field altogether.  The overwhelming reason most will leave?  Not lack of funding, not fruitlessness, not health, not family pressures, not failure to acclimate to the new culture. 

No, the number one reason missionaries leave the field?   Other missionaries. 

I had heard this in Perspectives, and also from friends who have been on the field.  Sitting in a room with 42 others heading out, and realizing this means it is likely only seven of us will stay where we are headed… well, that suddenly made it intensely personal.  And, since what causes the trouble is unresolved conflict, it added urgency and intensity to the day.

As you know, each of us can respond to conflict in a variety of ways.  Depending on the situation, we can be assertive or take a more compromising posture.  What we began to explore, however, was our ‘go-to’ preference during times of extreme and/or prolonged stress.  Something like what happens when you leave all you know to move to a new culture! 

We used descriptions based on the Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory, which assigns animals to various ways of handling conflict:  Teddy Bears, Turtles, Foxes, Lions (we used Sharks), and Owls. 

Just by reading the names, you can probably guess some of the traits of each.  Teddy Bears are accommodating, Turtles will avoid, Foxes try to find a compromise, Sharks compete, and Owls want to collaborate.   

I am a Turtle so when things get tense, I withdraw to give myself time and space to process.  This can be helpful and keep me from saying something I’ll later regret.  It can also be difficult for those trying to resolve the conflict because I don’t want to talk about it right away.  I can be sorely tempted to just stay away, safe in my shell.  If I am pushed to respond too quickly, I can turn into a ‘snapping turtle’ which is of no help at all! 

As we learned, each style has advantages and disadvantages and no one style is appropriate in all situations.  Interestingly, each group was able to find scriptures to both support and temper the use of their style! 

That last was important, because each of us can feel our way is best (or else why would we be using it?) and can be tempted to play the ‘Holy’ card.  Well, Queen Esther didn’t immediately go to Xerxes, so went away and prayed and fasted for three days first!  Of course, we’re also not supposed to allow the sun to go down on our anger! 

We first worked with others of our style.  It was good to see that I’m not alone in my way of handling conflict.  It was also good to explore the other styles.  What about them did we appreciate?  What about them was de-motivating to us?  We then began meeting as a group with the other animals.  (We started with the Foxes.)  It was helpful to hear what about our style they appreciated - and what frustrates them! 

Since we need to be growing in our conflict management, I need to be aware of how my style impacts others.  I also need to realize that when I am pushed, my knee-jerk reaction is going to be to withdraw.  Hopefully I can recognize this early on and find more suitable ways of coping, as needed. 

The fact is, if I am not willing to do this, I truly do need to stay home.  The damage I can do is far too great.  If I am bringing dishonor to the name of Jesus because I am unwilling to stretch and grow, I should not go. 

This is not going to be easy, but I am so grateful we are being challenged NOW to start to deal with our ‘stuff’.  Please pray with me that I will allow the Holy Spirit to begin working in me in this!

On Monday we’ll meet with the Teddy Bears and Sharks.  I overheard one of the Sharks quote Finding Nemo.  “Remember, everyone, Teddy Bears are friends, not food.  Turtles are friends, not food…”  Could make for an interesting day! 

If you are interested in learning more, there is an online assessment tool (costs $6.95) at http://riverhouseepress.com/

A Pair of Ducks

One of the things we’ve been spending a lot of time talking about these past few days is the paradox of all we are going through.  On the first day, our instructor held up two rubber ducks.  “What are these?” he asked.  “Two ducks.”  “Yes, two ducks.  Another way to say ‘two ducks’ would be ‘a pair of ducks’.”  A Pair-A-Ducks.  Get it?  Paradox!    

He went on to ask us what we noticed about the two.  One was in pristine condition, clean and pretty.  He called that one “Yay Duck”.  The other was all marked up, dirty and icky.  That one was “Yuck Duck”.  He told us that because these ducks were a pair, they go together.  You couldn’t separate the pair because they live with each other.

As all of us here at MTI can attest, our lives right now are like the pair of ducks.  The Yay Duck is excited that I am going to the Dominican Republic.  The Yuck Duck is sad that I have to leave my home.  The Yay Duck thinks it’s really awesome that I’ll get to meet new people and share Jesus.  The Yuck Duck feels lonely because I am leaving all my friends. 

While I am in transition, sometimes I’ll have more Yay Duck times, and sometimes there will be a whole lot of Yuck Duck.  But, because they are a pair, there will always be some of each.  Part of being able to process all the changes going on is to recognize the reality of the pair of ducks (paradox). 

It’s important for me to come to terms with this.  Ignoring either duck can cause problems because it means not living in the fullness of what is happening.  Pretending there’s only a Yay Duck doesn’t stop the Yuck Duck from being there.   And, if I ignore him long enough, he just might start quacking madly, demanding attention, and drowning out the Yay Duck for a time.  If I only focus on the Yuck Duck side of things, I may blind myself to the beauty and joy of the Yay Duck.

In each of our lives, we have this pair.  For me right now they may seem much more real and extreme, but they are always present, aren’t they?  Your child has graduated from high school.  Yay Duck, that is a great accomplishment.  Yuck Duck, it means he will soon be leaving the nest.  You’ve been invited to start a new Bible study.  Yay Duck, you’ll get to help others learn more about Jesus.  Yuck Duck, you will have to give up something you enjoy in order to have time to prepare your lessons. 

Yay Duck… Yuck Duck.  I’m sure you can think of your own (way better!) examples of this pair at work in your lives!     

It’s simple and elementary (MTI also uses this to help the kids understand the concept of paradox).  But, it’s also a great way to express what’s going on in my heart.  In fact, I plan to buy a couple of rubber ducks when I get home and make one icky, and keep the other pretty.  I have a feeling that visible reminder is going to come in handy!

In the meantime, I will continue to pray that Jesus, who experienced plenty of Yay Duck and Yuck Duck moments as He lived and died and rose again, will help me to process the paradox in which I am living.    

Water and Fish

Today was another intense day.  We started tackling some pretty tough, yet foundational stuff.  Things like how relationships within a family can significantly impact outward ministry.  We discussed it around our tables, and as my table was six single women, we talked about the importance of setting boundaries with any married men with whom we will be serving. We also talked about our role in helping to affirm and honor the marriages of our team members.    

It was interesting to hear other perspectives from the group at large, particularly the tension between pouring one’s all into the needs of the ministry but also safeguarding the family.  If a missionary's family is crumbling, what does that say to those they are trying to show Jesus?  Where is that balance?  Going even deeper, is it something to balance, or is one the definite priority?   

We also started to dive into cultural issues.  That’s going to be a major area of focus, and I’m glad.  Having to wrestle with understanding that I come at things from a cultural bias which informs the way I approach the world is super important.  

During Perspectives last fall, one of the instructors shared a Chinese proverb which says, “If you want to know what water is, don’t ask a fish.”  I love that!  Our culture surrounds us, defines us, in ways we typically don’t recognize.  

The reality is, those social norms – and taboos help keep society gelled and functioning.  But, we don’t always understand the reason why something seems ‘wrong’ to us.  Is extending one’s right hand the ‘right’ way to shake hands?  Is it immoral to extend your left?  No, obviously not, but it still causes confusion and discomfort to have someone thrust the ‘wrong’ hand out when they meet you.  And, there’s no real reason, besides the fact that it’s just not ‘right’.  Our ‘water’ says so, but as fish swimming around in it, we cannot describe why.

Once again, I am having a difficult time processing it all!  As weird as this may sound, I love that they are not just giving us all the answers.  I know this is a stretch for many of us.  At more than one point in the day, someone expressed some frustration at the fact that there aren’t simple answers to how to move from the comfort or our ‘home’ culture to an uncomfortable new culture.  The fact is, it’s not simple.  I believe just by realizing this, we are taking steps to address it.

  

Tomorrow we will have individual coaching sessions with one of the staff.  I am looking forward to that as a time to debrief these first few days.  As I close for the night, I need to say Thank You for your prayers and interest.  I truly feel that I am not here all by myself, but have a group of encouragers in all of you, cheering me on.  You are blessing me, and I thank you!

MTI Stats

Today has been a good day, although I’m feeling a need to sit and process so many things!  Once I’ve done that, I’ll try to share some of what I’m learning.  In the meantime, I thought I’d share a few things about MTI and SPLICE. 

First of all, I’ve been calling it the Mission Training Institute for months now.  It’s actually Mission Training International!  This is a much more fitting name!  First of all, the teaching style is anything but institutional.  Today we had lectures, small group discussions, a game, and more! 

The conference center is one big lodge with guest rooms, a cafeteria, meeting rooms, big common areas, and more.  The food has been delicious, and the staff are all super helpful.  Palmer Lake is in between Denver and Colorado Springs, and is at an elevation of around 7,200 feet.  I went for a walk and brief run today, and could definitely tell the air is much thinner than at home!  

The SPLICE program helps get missionaries ready to go out to serve cross-culturally.  The letters in SPLICE stand for Spiritual, Personal, Lifestyles, Interpersonal, Cultural and Endurance/Enjoyment.  I know I have so much growing to do in each of these areas!  And, I'm sure I am going to learn so much about God, and about myself in the process!

As I’ve already mentioned, along with lectures we were split into small Growth Groups today.  My group of seven combines both married and single women, ranging in age from 20 up to mid-50’s.  We’re going to Ghana, Zambia, Haiti, Mexio, Zimbabwe, Ireland, and of course, the D.R. 

The full SPLICE group is made up of 43 adults and 23 kids (ranging from 2 months up to 12 years old).  They have a track for the kids, too, who will be experiencing their own struggles and growth through this process.  It’s so fun to see all these little ones!  It definitely adds to the family feeling of this little community! 

We are being sent to 22 different countries by 23 different mission agencies.  Interestingly, while there are several married couples, there are no single men here.  There are lots of single women – 11 to be exact. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is using single women throughout the world to carry out the Great Commission, but I have to admit, it saddens me that there are no single men here.  Hmm… I just realized that sounds somewhat different than I intended it to! 

Hopefully you get that I’m not looking for a date!  Instead, I cannot accept the idea that God is not calling forth men who are presently unmarried to join in His work in the world.  I’m sure there are lots of reasons why there are none here, but the work is not only for couples and women!

Okay, I’m going to jump off my soapbox in a second.  Let me just say this… if there are any single men out there reading this, I pray you are intentionally seeking to find your part in having God’s glory proclaimed among every tongue, tribe, language and nation.  Of course, I pray each one of you reading is doing so!  

It can be a scary thing to be obedient!  God does not call us to small, comfortable assignments we can fulfill in our own power.  Yes, it is scary, but it is so amazing to hear the stories of others who are answering God’s call on their lives.  They may feel anxious and even fearful, but they are also choosing to lean into Jesus - and it is a beautiful thing to see!  

Until next time, may we all continue to seek God’s face, and may we never forget that He bought us with a price.  All our lives are lived out in response to that free gift which cost our Savior everything.  Any small thing I do is only because of His love!  To Him alone be all glory! 

More Stretching?!

Hi, everyone!   I arrived safe & sound in Palmer Lake, Colorado this afternoon.  Despite my first plane leaving nearly 90 minutes late from the Shenandoah Regional Airport, both I and my suitcase made all our connections!  

I can tell this is going to be a stretching few weeks.  For those of you who know me well, two of my least favorite things are lack of 'me-time' and surprises.  Within five minutes of arriving, I've had to confront both.  When I arrived, I was told, “You have a roommate”.  I have to admit, after flying across country all day, and wanting nothing more than some time alone, this news was a rather unwelcome surprise!

My roommate just finished college, and is heading to El Salvador to work for at least a year there in a poor village on the side of a volcano.  She seems really sweet, and since we’re both going to Central America, that’s pretty cool.  She also likes to exercise, so that should keep me motivated to work out, too. 

And, since I will be moving into an extended season of living with others, this is a good thing.  But, I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s also going to be a stretch!

Next up, my homework assignment for tonight.  It is a Spiritual Inventory.  This one is going to be even more of a stretch than a roommate.  A month or two ago I could have filled it out and felt pretty happy about the ways I’ve been connecting to Jesus.  But lately, I have to admit I’ve allowed the flurry of activity and the pressing stuff of leaving my job, packing, goodbyes, etc., etc., to draw my focus away from Him. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time and energy talking ABOUT God, but not nearly enough talking WITH Him.  I’m reading my Bible more for information than for connecting.  It’s terrible to have to confess that as I start this time of training for my ministry, I am feeling spiritually dry. 

I praise God, however, that He is not just letting me continue disconnecting.  One of the things that excites me most about this training is that I will have time and space to be filled up once again.  To strengthen my tenuous grasp on the Vine.  But, it’s going to take digging deep and honestly confronting why I’ve been pulling away.  Again, it’s going to be a stretch!

I’m sitting here on the floor of our room in the ‘splits’ position trying to stretch out my legs.  After sitting on planes all day, they feel stiff and sore.  What’s usually easy for me is difficult tonight because my muscles are protesting being made to stretch after being cramped up.  But, I know this stretching is important.  They won't get to feeling better until I do this. 

In the same way, I’ve got to allow the Spirit to stretch my spirit and soul.  I’m so grateful that even though I know it’s not all going to be easy, He is not going to leave me to flounder all alone. 

Okay, enough stalling, Kim!  You and Jesus have some stretching to do… together!  

Pineapple Parting

Last night was my last night in my ‘pineapple bed’.  It was a good night of sleep, but surreal, too.  At the beginning of this process, I wrote an entire post about how much I love my bed. 

http://kimheartselcallejon.blogspot.com/2010/11/kona-coffee-pineapple-beds.html 

I started sleeping on that bed while I was still married.  We bought it in 1999 after flooding from Hurricane Floyd ruined our old bed.  I slept on it through my separation and divorce, through my move here, through job changes and processing this new call.  After being away on a trip, that first night of sleep in my bed has always been the way I know I’m truly home.  

Later today, a very nice young man is coming to buy my bedroom suite.  It will be packed up and driven away.  I’m sadder than I thought I’d be.  It’s silly, I know.  After all, it’s just a bed…

I’ve spent my week sorting through my things.  I must admit, it’s been more tiring and time-consuming than I had anticipated.  Friends helped me drop off a whole bunch of stuff to Gift & Thrift (the local Mennonite Central Committee thrift store).  Along with clothes and books (lots and lots of books) were most of my porcelain shoe collection and my chicken knick-knacks collected over my nearly ten years with Perdue. 

As I drove away, one of the workers was peering into one of my boxes.  I wanted to stop and run over and tell him that it was good stuff, stuff I had used and loved and had been a part of my life.  It wasn’t just junk he had to sort through, it was a part of my memories, part of me.  I didn’t do it, of course.  Instead, I drove away.  It’s going to sound cliché and way too cheesy, but it really did feel like I was leaving a little bit of myself.  

And, it’s not just the stuff.  As I said, I’ve spent this week sorting through things.  I’ve also had lots of ‘last meals’ with friends. It’s been fun (the meals, that is!) but underlying them has been a sense of something ending. And, of course, something is!  Even though I don’t see a lot of these sisters in Christ very often, the point is, I could, because we’re in the same city.  Now, that option will be gone.

With each person I’m saying goodbye to, I’m also feeling like I’m leaving a part of me.  One after another is important, but emotionally exhausting.  Instead of one single injury, it feels like dozens of tiny ones.  

Like a paper cut, all of these partings feel like a series of sharp quick wounds.  Not enough to keep me from working, but enough to make me stop for a moment.  There’s an intense stab of pain, a gasp of breath, a little blood, and on I go.  

I realize I’m becoming morbid and starting to feel sorry for myself!  And so, I’m thankful tomorrow I will begin some ‘first’ things.  The first time I see Palmer Lake, Colorado, the first time I meet my fellow MTI-ers, the first time I go for a walk and drink in the beauty God has created there.

Despite all the things I am leaving here left undone (seriously, it’s frightful!) I’m hoping I can turn off, at least for a while, the constant whirl of ‘to-do’s, and really focus ahead.

The Lord willing, my next post will be from Colorado – perhaps even with a picture or two!!  Until then, whether you are in your own season of ‘goodbyes’ or ‘hellos’ or perhaps just a time of ‘holding’ I pray you will sense the presence of the One who is able to keep us – and who continues to do more than any of us could ask or even imagine!  To Him belongs all glory!!  

Kind of Really Cool!

Wow, today I am very humbled that my friend Caroline wrote a blog post about me coming to serve in El Callejon.

Caroline and her husband, Ryan, have been working in the DR with Students International for nearly two years.  Both of their ministries are focused in El Callejon.  Ryan started a Micro-finance site, as well as a Boys Club, and Caroline works with Daisy at the Women's Social Work site.

As Caroline said, from almost the first day she suggested I pray about coming on staff full-time.  Part of me had been pondering that since 2008, and hearing it from her gave me chills.  I love how God puts people in our lives to help us see His plans!  

I am honored to be stepping in when she, Ryan, and their new baby, James, head back to the States at the beginning of 2012.  She and Daisy have done amazing things with the women, teens, and girls, and I pray I can continue to show the people of El Callejon the love of Jesus - just like the Holloways have been doing!

Check out their blog - not just 'cause of me, but because it's full of awesome info about what God is doing in El Callejon!  How crazy-awesome is it that I get to go serve there?!  God is so good!! :O)

hollowayministries.blogspot.com

Right Now

Right now my life is a flustered flurry of activity.  The messes I’m making at my place are beyond bad.  I moved out of my office at church last week, so those boxes of stuff just added to the piles here.  Every time I start working on something (books, porcelain shoe collection, ‘big girl’ shoes, etc.) I realize just how much stuff I have.  It’s ridiculous!   

Today I went and put a stop on my mail and had digital fingerprints taken (for an FBI check for my application for Dominican residency).  I’d make a terrible criminal because I kept fighting the poor gal who was trying to have me relax my fingers so she could roll them on the scanner one-by-one.  I’m also still waiting for my Birth Abroad birth certificates to arrive.  Hurry, Hurry!, HURRY!! my mind keeps shouting.

In the midst of all of this, I am trying to spend time with those I love.  I’m having dinner with someone different each night, as well as some coffees, lunches and dinners.  It’s been a blessing to hang out and connect with people who have meant so much these past several years.  That is honestly more important than all of the stuff I need to get done. 

Of course, I still need to have clothes packed for my trip to Colorado next week, so the reality is, that does matter.  The whole thing is overwhelming – which is probably why instead of tackling any of it, I’m sitting here blogging!  Avoidance – don’t knock it! :O)

Yesterday afternoon I took a break from going through stuff and got on my couch for a nap.  I woke up refreshed and with a sense of peace.  Despite the fact that nothing had changed – the waves of clutter were still lapping at my feet! – I felt upbeat.   

Taking time to breathe and just stop striving gave me time to allow God’s goodness to settle on me.  I was reminded that He has given me so many gifts during these past couple of frantic weeks.   Friends I’ve not connected with in months suddenly had free time to see me this week.  I’ve received lovely cards and notes of encouragement.  My support-raising has been incredible.  If everyone is able to give what they’ve indicated they would like to give, I will be at 100% of both my Monthly Commitments and my Up-front Expenses!

I say it all the time, but truly, God is so good!!  What a privilege to give back to Him some small token of what He has done throughout my life.  Jesus left all of Heaven to live and die for us.  I’m just moving from one part of the earth to another.  He was betrayed by those He loved.  I’ve got a stadium-sized cheering squad!  Jesus was separated from God.  I never have to be.

 

And so, although I’m still overwhelmed and excited and happy and sad and anxious and mildly freaked out, at my core, I am at peace.  The peace of God truly does surpass all understanding.  Thank you, Father, for giving me Your peace.  May I continue to cling to You, and You alone!      

Breaking Up

“I don’t do break ups well.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone.”  A friend of mine was talking about my leaving, and was half-kidding (I think!).  I can understand the sentiment.  A clean break generally hurts less in the long run.  As that old song says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” 

Like my friend, I tend to handle change in the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ way.  It’s not that I don’t care, I truly do!  I’m like Mr. Knightley talking to Emma – “If I loved you less, I could talk about it more.”  When there is so much to say to people I care deeply about, my way of coping has been to say very little.  Just move on, and let it alone.

Of course, that is not healthy.  As we’ve all learned, if you don’t confront the pain and grief now, it’s sure to show up later, often when you can least handle it.  I did not grieve my mother well, and so when a friend died a couple of years later, my world crashed down around me.  Yes, I did care for my friend, but the grief was for my mom, and I could barely function. 

My Spiritual Director, who has walked with me for the past five years, has told me she is concerned that I say goodbye well.  For their sakes, yes, but also for my own.  Leaving those we love is a big deal, and acting as if it is not is not okay.      

C.S. Lewis has this cool quote about love.  He says to love is to be vulnerable, it is to open you heart up to be broken.  He says the only way to safeguard your heart is to keep it locked up.  That way, it will never break.   Instead, it will become unbreakable, irredeemable.  Yes, you are safe, but oh, at what cost! 

I can leave my life here with my heart safely tucked away.  I can protect myself so that I don’t have to use the tissues I’m carrying everywhere, or stammer out barely intelligible things as I fight my tears.  As I’ve shared, I’m an ‘ugly’ crier.  I do that thing where my voice breaks and catches.  Then, the drippy nose starts!  It’s not a pretty sight, and gets really awkward really fast.

But, the alternative is to pretend my years here have not been significant.  To ignore the people who helped re-introduce me to Jesus.  Or, truly, helped me meet Him in a personal way for the first time!  It was here I started to live for Jesus by seeing Him lived out in the lives of others.  And, crazily, in some small way, I have been able to show Jesus to them in return. 

That is no small thing, and to just walk away is not how to honor and celebrate God’s goodness.  He deserves the glory, and I think He can be glorified through bittersweet tears.  Through facing the grief and allowing myself to be present in this time of leaving-taking. 

So, fair warning, friends, I’m not good at breaking up, but I’m going to try.  I’m not going to leave here without getting weepy.  Without telling you I love you.  I can pretty much guarantee it’s going to be messy.  In the end, you may wish I’d just go away.  It may break our hearts, but we know that some day all brokenness will be forever healed, and we will never have to say goodbye.  Until then, get ready… here I come!

Speaking Out

Several weeks ago a friend of mine encouraged me to talk about the difference between being judgmental and identifying something amiss and speaking out about it.  How does one walk that fine line? 

I’ve avoided writing about it because, very honestly, I'm terrible at this.  As Christ-followers, what are we supposed to do when we see things which are not in accordance with God’s Word?  I’m still not sure, and so I offer the following thoughts with more than a little trepidation.

First of all, in reading through the Bible, it seems two significant things which infuriate our holy, almighty God are (1) worshiping anything other than Him, and (2) treating the poor with contempt.

Over and over again in the Old Testament (and beyond!), humans turn to idols.  The consequences for doing so do not only impact the individual who sins, but potentially the entire community.  Along with idols goes treating God as if He is small and lacking in power.  As if He is just a ‘local god’, not the Creator of all things.  

When the people turned away from Him, or else chose to worship Him with only part, not all, of their loyalty, God responded quickly and thoroughly.  I believe this is why God killed Aaron’s sons, Achen, and others who disobeyed Him.  What seemed excessive was really a way to safeguard the whole of the Israelite people. 

The treatment of those who are unable to protect themselves is another big deal.  What I’ve noticed, too, is that God ties acceptable worship of Him inextricably to how we respond to those in need.  In fact, it seems if we are mistreating those who are broken, despised and rejected, God will treat our worship in the same way.  

God says He finds our worship stinky and unacceptable if we don’t treat the lowest of the low as if we are serving Jesus when we care for them.  He seems to go even further - even though He deserves us spending every second, every breath in adoration of Him, Him seems to say He'd rather we not bother if we are ignoring the needs to the poor.  I don’t know about you, but to me this is powerful stuff!

When Jesus spoke harshly, it was with those who thought they had it all together, who were on the inside, powerful and full of knowledge.  

Time and again Jesus speaks out against those who were essentially making a game out of worshiping His Father.  I’ll do A-B-C and then You, Omniscient, Omnipresent God will do D-E-F for me.  And, if some lowlife undesirables are stepped on, well, You understand.  They wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in if they were deserving of Your favor.

Jesus became incensed and even violent when He saw that worship was about the one doing the worship, not our the Author of worship.  He became furious when those who claimed to follow His Father used their power and influence to mistreat the poor.  

It is interesting to me that while Jesus certainly did not just let sin go, He was gentle with those who were broken and knew they were sinning.  It was those who thought they weren't sinning who received His ire.

Jesus lived His life to bring His Father glory.  Part of that was to show what worshiping in Spirit and Truth looked like.  He didn’t spend 24/7 in synagogues.  Yes, He did worship in that way, but His entire life was an act of worship. 

When our lives do not reflect that same complete worship, we are missing the mark.  And, we owe it to each other to find firm and helpful ways to point that out.   Yes, this is where it can get difficult, but we must speak out against those things which God has clearly stated are unacceptable to Him. 

As Christ-followers, standing by and allowing sin to seep into our places of worship, our fellowship of believers, into the Body, is as unconscionable as seeing a child toddle into the road and not rushing out to snatch him back from danger.  Sure, it may startle him, and even hurt a bit as you yank him to safety, but the alternative is far, far worse.

Do I have clarity in how to go about this?  Nope, not even close!  I think the first step is to really analyze what it is that gets me hacked off.  Lots of stuff does, but it’s not all the same stuff that God is concerned about.  There’s plenty in the world to be angry about but I need to focus on those things which the Word reveals anger my Savior.  

I need to learn how to keep still about a lot of things, but I believe I need to learn appropriate, God-glorifying ways to address fellow believers who are tempting others to substitute idols, or a weak, ‘candy machine’ God (put in a coin, get a prize) for the Holy, Living, Missionary God we serve. 

I also need to defend those who cannot defend themselves.  When systems and situations are in place which hurt those we are called to help, we must respond.  I need to find my voice for those without any.

Friends, this is tough stuff, and I’m not sure I’m any closer to figuring it out.  I welcome your thoughts.  And, let’s keep striving and struggling together to bring acceptable worship to our Triune God.  That means not just on Sundays, but our entire lives must be focused on the things He has told us matter. 

What does the Lord require of us?  To do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with our God.  We’ve got our marching orders!  Together, through the Spirit, we can do this!!

Confession

Earlier this week I posted about feeling hurt by someone else.  I was wrong to do so.  Instead of putting the focus where I should have, which was God’s glory, I allowed my own sense of self-righteous anger to lash out.  I didn’t scream or break things.  What I did was worse.  I couched my anger and resentment in ‘sanctified’ phrases. 

And so, I am reaping the ‘reward’ one always gets when we do this.  People I love and would never intentionally hurt are hurt.  Rumors are flying.  Turmoil and confusion. 

I am deeply grieved and disappointed in myself.  Instead of simply bringing this to God for Him to handle, I used my blog to prove how put-upon I was.  Despite saying I was giving it to Him, I used my ability to write well as a way to get vindication.  What I have done is self-serving sin, pure and simple. 

You know, every time I allow myself to focus on me, instead of on Jesus, it’s a disaster.  To all of you reading this, I apologize.  I am heartsick.

It seems there is a rising tide of bitterness and frustration throughout the world – or, at least, in my country.  People say mean and hurtful things, hidden behind texts and tweets and social networks. 

I’ve allowed myself to be a part of that.  I want my blog to be honest, showing my struggles.  I want to help others see that God is bigger than our ‘stuff’.  But, when I slip over into it being about me, I’ve become a Pharisee yet again.

The fact that I can write well is a gift from God.  When I use that to advance my agenda, I am sinning.  We are given gifts in order to shine out His light.  I am hiding that light – or worse, distorting it.  I’m thankful that my stupid mistakes do not actually diminish God’s glory.  But, I am called to reflect Him.  Today I feel like a very poor image.

I’m not going to sit here and promise never to do it again because I know I’ll mess up plenty more.  Instead, I ask you to join me in bringing this to God.  To allow Him to do what only He can do, and heal the wounds I have caused.  Thank you, friends! 

Thank you, Father, that You are able to do all things.  I confess my need to be right, to be seen as a suffering servant.  Forgive me for putting myself before Your glory.  Redeem even this mess, for Your purposes. 

My Commissioning Service

What an amazing night!  When I stole into First Pres that Sunday eight years ago, I had no friends and no intention of returning!  But, as I am continuing to learn, our God is able to do far, far more than we could ever ask or even imagine!!  


What a blessing to look out and see friends from Alpha, Perspectives, the Free Clinic, small groups, staff, the gym, adopted moms, spiritual mentors, little sisters and daughters in Christ, brothers and sisters who have shown me Jesus in new and beautiful ways!  


Here is the link for my sermon, which includes the final song we sang - With Everything.  May our lives be all for God, and for His glory!  May we be willing to give our everything, shouting out to the world the Good News of Jesus!!  May we go until He calls us home!

http://sc.fhview.com/sc_customplayer/seriesitems/1/118407

Anywhere, God, Anywhere But Harlem

Last night I shared this story of my mom’s call to serve in Harlem, New York, in the mid-1960’s.  I feel so blessed to have had parents who were obedient to being sent to go in His name. 

My mom was born and raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  Back then (in the late 40’s, 50’s and early 60’s) it was a kind of slow, small-ish city in the Midwest.  Conservative, Bible belt.  My mom worked in the denominational offices of the Christian Reformed Church.  It was a good job, serving the Lord, a nice, simple life.  Nothing fancy, nothing wild, perfectly acceptable. 

Then she felt God calling her to apply to be what was called a Long Term Volunteer.  This was a program where someone would go for one or two years to serve in a church or mission someplace.  Mom prayed and told God that she would be willing to go anywhere He sent her – except Harlem, New York. 

Remember, she was a kind of sheltered Midwesterner, and this was this was the 1960’s.  It was a time of a lot of turbulence with racial tensions, civic unrest.  In the 60’s New York City was about as far from the Bible belt as she could imagine. 

And, going to Harlem was not going to mean driving in each day at 9am, and leaving again at 5.  It would mean living there 24/7.  My mom was single, in her mid-20’s, and moving across the country to live in Harlem seemed impossible.  Anyplace, God.  Anyplace but Harlem. 

So… who wants to guess where she was assigned?  Yep.  I asked her what she had done.  She told me that she had cried… and then she went.  

But, she told God she was only going to stay until she found a cockroach in her bed.  Then, she was out of there.  Anyone want to guess what happened?  I asked her what she did.  I cried… and I stayed. 

And, in the staying, Jesus met her in new ways.  She was able to share Jesus with the women and men who worshiped at the church, with the kids who came to their VBS.  She lived and worked among people who looked and thought and lived nothing like her. 

And, God began to change her heart toward the poor and outcast.  By going she learned far more about Jesus than she could have if she had stayed in Grand Rapids.

Not only that, while she was there, she met a young seminary student working for a time as part of his studies.  They started hanging out.  He couldn’t cook, so he bought groceries and my mom and her roommate cooked dinner every night.  Guess who that guy was? 

So, if my mom hadn’t gone, hadn’t stuck it out when it was tough and icky, she wouldn’t have learned about God’s heart for the people of Harlem.  She wouldn’t have been equipped for more ministry with my dad, in store front ministry and church planting.  And… she wouldn’t have met my dad, which means, I wouldn’t be here! 

I don’t know what your story is going to look like.  I don’t know what the rest of mine is going to look like.  When my mom left Grand Rapids, she couldn’t have imagined that her time in Harlem would bring her a deeper understanding of Jesus, or love and more home missions work together with my dad.  I don't know what our stories will be, but I do know, we serve a God who is able to do far more than we could ask or even imagine. 

I’m about to head out to answer God’s call to serve Him in the Dominican Republic.  I’m going with joy, but I’m also kind of scared.  There are a whole lot of unknowns.  Will I be able to learn enough Spanish, will I connect with the women of El Callejon, with the students coming down on outreaches?  Am I going to be able to adjust to living in a new country and culture? 

I don’t know the answer to any of those questions.  But, I am confident that the One who called me is faithful and He will be with me.  I still go on because I am a disciple, and disciples go.

It’s the same for you.  As disciples, we step out – or maybe sometimes just crawl! – not in our strength, but in His.  The same Jesus who was raised from the dead, the same Jesus who was given all authority, that Jesus calls us to be His disciples.

Jesus has promised that He will be with us until the end of the age.  And then, oh, then, we will be a part of the new Heaven and new earth, when we’ll get to sing Revelation Song with peoples from all tribes, tongues, nations and languages.  Until that day, we go. 

P.S.  The service was taped, so I’m going to try and get a link posted on my blog in case you want to check it out.  It was a beautiful service with incredible music and a spirit of celebration and joy.  Worshiping God together with those who have been a part of the Harrisonburg portion of my journey was something I will cherish always.  God is so good!!